Pluperfection

Gosh It's Cold

2010-12-27T21:55:00.002-05:00

Late December has brought the cold. Not arctic snow drift or anything crazy like that [I won't be going outside with a cup of hot water to throw into the air and watch it turn into snow] but it's still brisk enough to make one grab some woolen undies and a warm shirt.

Still, I'm going to enjoy it while I can because in a month or so the typical Florida weather will return and we'll all be sweating our smalls off as we huddle around the air con.

Katy Perry Is The Hypnotoad

2010-12-27T21:51:00.003-05:00

Just sayin', ya know. "Buy my records ... put the kettle on, Russ."

Don't Call Me Pops

2010-12-22T22:51:00.004-05:00

Well the other day I was sipping some delicious coffee and wasting some time on the internet. Caleb was asleep upstairs, and all was well with the world. The doorbell rang. "Jiminy Cricket, I bet that's the Federal Express!" I said to myself.

I dashed for the door only to discover some crazy, wild-eyed woman waiting for me. She was a door to door salesperson who assured me she wasn't selling anything but who proceeded anyway to try and sell me something. She mentioned the look on my face was unimpressed which was very astute of her because I was being that transparent. Then she called me Pops. Pops?! I'm not old enough or poppy enough to be a Pops. I cut her off mid stride after she tried to high five me. I explained I wasn't interested in the magical stain remover she was peddling and wished her a good afternoon.

The Rockefeller Christmas Tree

2010-12-22T22:33:00.004-05:00

Me and the missus were watching the History Channel this evening and it was quite informative. How so? Well, you know the giant Christmas tree that is erected next to the skating rink at the Rockefeller Center in New York? Yes, that one. Well, in order to erect a jumbo-sized tree for the holidays their head of gardening hops in a helicopter and scours the land for something suitable. When he finds a potential candidate he marks the location on a map and then visits the owner of said suitable tree. Then he asks the owners if the Rockefeller Center could have it. And they pay the owners ... nothing. Which is odd because there is great expense driving a 90 foot tall tree from the sticks to NYC so I imagine the Rock ain't stretched for a dime or two. Bizarre!

I know what I would say if some dude showed up on the doorstep wanting my mega tree and was offering nothing for it. That's right -- I'd be asking for some tickets to SNL, baby! Actually I'd probably tell him to fuck off. Nicely, of course.

Red Letter Media's Baby's Day out review

2010-12-14T14:34:00.000-05:00

Mr. Plinkett's review of Episode III is coming soon. Before then, here's a review of ... Baby's Day Out. I barely recall this movie when it first came out, and I don't believe I ever saw it. Or ever will.

Red Letter Media's Baby's Day out review

So Long, Voyager

2010-12-14T14:10:00.003-05:00

One of the Voyagers is on it's way out of the solar system. It's only been burning tracks since the 1970s, or before I was born to be precise. Hopefully it won't fall into a black hole and be retrieved by an alien civilisation because that would suck.

Anyway, it's about to enter the heliopause which is an area of space where the solar wind from the sun runs out of puff and meets the winds that make up the interstellar medium. I hope they remember to take pictures.

Christian Science Monitor.

North Korea Is On Facebook!

2010-12-14T13:48:00.005-05:00

Wonderfully blue map created by Facebook shows the world as defined by Facebook friendships. You see some great detail and some barren areas where Facebook ain't so hip. Like, the ocean ... the deserts ... and China. What I do find amusing is the couple of strands from North Korea heading Chinaway. I'm assuming it's from one of Kim Jong-il's holiday homes. Maybe he's a FarmVille fan or something.

Comic Book Splurge

2009-07-13T17:30:00.008-04:00

Took a drive down to Tate's this afternoon to grab me some comics. I wasn't looking for anything in particular; rather, I was in one of those moods to browse and grab whatever looked interesting. And I got some cool shit.

Let's see:

I managed to pick up Detective Comics #853 which had the second part of Neil Gaiman's Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader? story. I wasn't expecting to find a copy, but it was nice to be pleasantly surprised.

Star Wars: Invasion #1, and Legacy #37. Not sure what Invasion is all about, but there was one copy left and it seemed intriguing so there you go. Have enjoyed the Legacy series and I've already collected a number of issues [plus what I've missed in trades] so it was logical to get this. And logic prevails, people.

Captain America Reborn #1 [Ross variant cover]. Not much of a Marvel fan but I'm a dirty slave for major events and the return of Steve Rogers is somewhat of an event. Mind you, when Marvel killed him at the end of all that Civil War stuff did anyone think he was really dead? No, in the world of comics dead is just merely inconvenienced. Just ask Jason Todd.

Green Lantern #43 [Prologue to Blackest Night]. Have turned into a Green Lantern fan on the back of the Sinestro Corps War and this series promises to be quite the party. Not sure if I have the patience for crossovers and will probably collect this sporadically while I await the trade release [like I did for Final Crisis, sad sad].

Batman #688. This is the big Batman release of 2009. Unfortunately, it's written by Judd Winick. I have nothing against Winick personally, I just don't like his writing. His writing actually made me stop collecting Batman and I only jumped back into Gotham when Grant Morrison started writing the Bat Dude. I know, I'm such a snooty bitch but Grant Morrison is God.

No Hero #5 [wrap]. Bought this on name recognition, as it's by Warren Ellis. I didn't see any of the prior issues and I didn't bother to look in the stacks but I bought it nonetheless. I always find Warren Ellis interesting and he's as original as he is prolific. He's not everyone's cup of tea but I think he's the shit so he must be alright.

The Unwritten #1 & #2. Purchased for much the same reason as No Hero. Mike Carey is an excellent writer and I enjoyed what he did with Hellblazer while Lucifer was amazing.

He's even started writing some prose with his Felix Castor novels. I've only read The Devil You Know but it was an enjoyable read. I have no idea what The Unwritten is about although according to the blurbs by Bill Willingham and Brian K. Vaughan it's the duck's nuts.

And there you have it, my little splurge on some comic book goodness. I think the selection could be described as quite the good haul considering it was an impromptu kind of thing.

The Ghost Cat Backlash

2009-07-13T16:28:00.005-04:00

The couple in New Zealand who posted a video on the internet allegedly showing a ghost cat walking around their driveway have faced a little bit of stick. Some folks reckon they're a little loopy thinking the orange furry blur thingy on their camera is the ghost of their neighbour's cat.

Indeed, skeptics have suggested that it was a insect or dust mite that made its way across the lens. A TV interviewer has offered to help them talk to some "experts" so the couple can get to the bottom of this spectoral mystery.

One individual even suggested it was the ghost of a cat called Lizzie who died in the 19th century when she fell "under the wheels of a cart on a foggy winter morning." Alrighty then.

Make up your own mind! I'm a bit of a skeptic myself, but I'm a little open for any possibility.

Would You Pay $17,500 For a Video Game?

2009-07-13T16:17:00.003-04:00

I wouldn't it! Some dude paid the above sum for a gold-coloured limited edition Nintendo NES cartridge from 1990.

According to the story, only 26 of these bad boys were produced to be used in a gaming contest. The cartridge lasts for just over six minutes and contains three games: Tetris, Super Mario Bros, and Rad Racer.

Well, if you've got the spare cash and you're a collector then I guess all power to you. But $17,500!?

Film 2009: Moon

2009-07-09T00:46:00.003-04:00

Moon looks like one of those hard, pure science fiction films that come along every so often. These are the types of films that don't make a studio any money but the viewer is enriched from the experience. To me, Moon looks absolutely fascinating.

The trailer poses many questions. Has Sam Rockwell's isolation driven him to insanity where he imagines seeing a person that looks like him? Is the film a comment on science and technology? Has technological advancement stripped humans of their warmth and emotions, driving us into a sterile iVironment? Is the other Sam Rockwell an alien? Is the other Sam Rockwell a clone made by the company to replace him so the lunar base always has a Sam Rockwell on hand?

I certainly can't wait to see this.

Finally Managed to Crack Africa

2009-07-09T00:37:00.003-04:00

Hey, I see on my ClustrMap wotsit that I managed to get some page views in Africa. About bloody time. Africa was the last of the Earth's continents to feel my blog.

Although, closer inspection tells me it was less than ten page views so whoever was reading looked into the soul of this blog and ran screaming into the night. Possibly.

Bad Cabinet. Naughty Cabinet.

2009-07-09T00:16:00.003-04:00

So we bought a cabinet thingy that stands over the toilet [I think the aristocrats call them an etagere] earlier in the week and I must say what a piece of shit it turned out to be. Twice.

Shit the first: because it was missing a few crucial pieces. Okay, easy problem to solve -- hop into the car and drive to Target to exchange it for one that has all its bits. Problem solved.

Not.

Shit the second: this one had all of its bits but the dowels were on the smallish side and the screws were so soft they seemed to be made of tinfoil [monster strip time!]. Plus, the design of the cabinet turned out to be a little top-heavy. Add this to the lack of cross beam support and we ended up with a wobbly pot of half-baked poop.

Take it apart >> box it back up >> jump in the car >> return it to Target for a refund. Are you there IKEA? It's me, Richard.

I Was Only Being Half-Flippant

2009-07-07T01:16:00.006-04:00

The other night we were closing for the evening when a blonde woman approached me and stopped at the door. She looked somewhat disheveled and not quite right if you know what I mean. Something was "off" like she had blended up some Percocet with her soy protein beverage before hitting the bookstore.

"So you're a guy, right? Let me get your opinion on this," she asked me.

Oh, Lord -- I love these ones. Nevermind that I'm holding the door open for you because we're closed.

"Er," I said.

"What do you do if you've broken up with someone and he was the love of your life. Like, he was it, the one the love and now it's gone," she said.

"Um, well my advice would be to get drunk," I said.

"I don't drink," she said.

"Well, I'm fresh out of suggestions. But that's what I'd do, get drunk. Have a nice night!" I said as I ushered her out of the door.

And I was only being half-flippant toward a question I didn't really need to be asked considering I didn't know the person from a bar of soap. Timing is everything; if she had asked me while we were open I could have shown her our Relationships section that has a shed load of books on the subject.

Still, that's probably what I would do in the same situation -- hit that sauce like it ain't no thing! Not Nicholas Cage Leaving Las Vegas drink myself to death sauce-a-thon, but it would be one hell of a bender. And then I'd get back on the horsey again.

>>>>Agony Aunt Hat<<<<

Because when you think about it, saying that the person who dumped your arse was the love of your life is immediately assuming the role of the victim. No no, that's not the way to see it. One must alter one's perspective: you were the love of his life. So hit the sauce and then trade up.

The Trash Heap has spoken.

It's Ghost Central!

2009-07-07T00:08:00.002-04:00

First there was the ghost cat in New Zealand, and now the interwebz are all a flutter over the alleged ghost of Michael Jackson caught on Larry King Live. As if the spectre of MJ would be bothered to flash itself on CNN!

Next we'll be hearing about the ghost of Elvis haunting a kitchen or the ghost of Paris Hilton skanking it up on some European dance floor. Oh, wait -- Paris is still alive. Right.

The Return of Grapefruit Man

2009-07-05T23:56:00.007-04:00

Imagine, if you can, a stool the size of a grapefruit. It's large, isn't it? One imagines it would be difficult to pass something of that size and still be alive.

I mention this because Grapefruit Man has returned to Barnes & Noble. He's well-known to the staff; or, rather, his stools are well-known to the staff. And it was my lucky day.

Anywho, some context. A customer approached me today and asked if I was a manager. When I told him I was he said, "You have to go to the handicap stall. Someone is very sick."

Thinking we had a full-on medical emergency I began to ask questions. "Has someone collapsed? Do they need help unlocking the stall door?"

"Oh, no," replied the customer. "The stall is empty. It's what they've left. You see, it won't go down."

"What won't go down?" I said.

"Um, poop. As I mentioned, someone is very sick," he said.

"Oh, I see," I said. "Well, my day just got a whole lot better. Thanks for letting me know."

I rolled up my sleeves and grabbed one of the other managers to act as my wingman and we headed in. It was exactly as the customer described: a monstrous thing sitting there like the King of Turds all knobbly and obviously calcified. Hell, I'm surprised that shit didn't crack the porcelain when it dropped.

"Fuck me that's wrong," I said. "The guy probably has a gape large enough to drive a double-decker bus through. If we find someone collapsed outside on the floor weeping and a bus conductor sticking out of his arse, that's our man."

"It won't go down!" said my co-worker after several flushes.

"We'll need to break it up," I said.

So we poured a whole heap of bleach on top of the turd, hoping the chemicals would begin the softening process. We locked the stall door from the outside and I set about the task of constructing a cutting implement.

I grabbed a plastic knife from the cafe and taped it to a long, yet sturdy, plastic rod. Essentially what I created was a harpoon, MacGyver style. And yes, there were a few odd looks from customers as I walked through the store carrying my harpoon. I felt like Captain Ahab swearing revenge on the great white stool.

However, it was the suggestion from another co-worker that a common plunger should be sufficient to finish the turd off. And that turned out to be the case as I made short work of it and sent the beast off to a watery grave. The harpoon will have to wait for another day before we get to try it out.

And you thought being a Barnes & Noble manager was a job without excitement.

Moonwalker Video Game

2009-07-05T23:14:00.007-04:00

In the huge media crush that's ensued following Michael Jackson's death it's hard to believe there was a time when he was as famous for his music as he was for his court room dramas and wacky lifestyle.

While I was thumbing through one of the ubiquitous memorial issues of popular magazines [TIME, Newsweek, People, Entertainment Weekly, etc] I stumbled on a little nugget of 1980s flashback: the Moonwalker video game from Sega.

To be honest I'm not surprised I forgot about the game because we never owned it nor was I inclined to play it when visiting the arcade. Casting my mind back I remembered the pitch for the game going something like this:

Mr. Big has captured the Children of the World. It's up to you, as Michael Jackson, to defeat Mr. Big and rescue the Children of the World.

The ten-year-old me was like, "Cool!" and then, "Eh?" Yes, even then it all seemed a little dodgy. Besides, I was far too interested in Ghosts 'n Goblins and Winter Olympics for the Commodore 64 to care about something like Moonwalker.

Apparently, one of the specials that could be used was called Dance Magic. You can see it in the video below as a spotlight from God or something that descends and illuminates MJ causing him to break into a complicated dance routine. The bad guys, all born with two left feet, are unable to match the awesomeness of the moves and are totally destroyed in the process. However, further research tells me the bosses do not dance but will take damage. Sounds difficult.

Anywho, here's a video of the arcade version complete with a casserole dish of Whoos!, Bubbles the Chimp, children squeaking "Michael" when they're rescued, and some wicked MIDI versions of MJ's hits.

Two Weeks Until Baby Time!

2009-07-05T23:08:00.004-04:00

Wow, it's hard to believe that nine months has passed on by. In little more than two weeks we will have a baby in the house! Well, we already have a 31-year-old kid in the house but this will be an actual baby.

Diane has already started her maternity leave so tomorrow when I drive off for my manager's meeting she will be snuggled up in bed safe in the knowledge that for the next three months the only time she'll be getting up before 7am is to check on the baby.

I'm going to take a few weeks off work to help out with feeding and changing and last minute errand runs because even though we think we have everything there will still be shit we didn't get or need.

So, two weeks to go. If the past nine months has taught us anything these will go by as quick as something that moves very quickly.

Humans vs Elephants Eating Contest. Elephants Win

2009-07-04T23:27:00.003-04:00

An elephant versus a human in an eating contest is something of a mismatch. Now don't get me wrong, a human can eat a shit load of food if he puts his mind to it and doesn't get perturbed about taking a monster dump later. But against an elephant the human will come second every time.

However, let's applaud the three dudes flying the human flag for giving it their best shot today. Sure, they didn't come out on top but it was the sheer gut-busting fortitude they displayed that tugged on the heart strings. Hey, knocking back a combined 143 hot dog buns in six minutes is something to write home about

Unfortunately, the elephants managed to inhale 505 buns to win by a trunk ... and then some.

Being On The Bum Side of 30

2009-07-04T23:20:00.002-04:00

You begin to notice things start to drop off with alarming regularity. My solution is to drink a shit load of green tea and water. Hydration and antioxidants are the tag team that will keep the deadly bitch that is entropy at bay. Well, that's the plan.

Film 2009: Where The Wild Things Are

2009-07-03T00:20:00.006-04:00

I don't want to jinx it, but this film looks freakin' sweet.

I kinda get the whole Labyrinth vibe here with its old school visuals and the use of tall dudes in suits with freaky faces.

Spike Jonze has never let me down yet and it's based on one of the most awesome books in existence so what could possibly go wrong? Here's the trailer.

Oh, and A+ for the use of an Arcade Fire song in the trailer.

If It Doesn't Inflate Enough You Can Blow Into The Mouthpiece

2009-07-02T11:40:00.005-04:00

Well, that is good to know.

Er, it appears Air New Zealand has struggled to get its passengers to watch the flight safety instructions on domestic flights. So their solution to this problem has been to strip the clothes from its staff and apply a little strategic body paint.

It sounds like a fascinating idea, although there is the fear that some people will be too intent on watching the body painted individuals and have absolutely no idea what the video just told them. Still, if that fails there's always the Ludovico technique.

Cats & Bloody Dogs

2009-07-02T00:38:00.004-04:00

Naturally it would decide to piss down when I was leaving work. Throw in some thunder and lightning and it was a real rainy party.

After watching the downpour for 10 minutes I decided to take a chance when the rain lessened. At first it was easy going as I navigated my way across the car park with aplomb. I'm gonna make it, Richard thought to himself.

However, 15 metres from the car the rain picked up. Then a flicker of lightning arced overhead in all its chrome brilliance and that was it for me: I decided to dash the remaining distance ... right into a monster puddle.

Water flowed over my shoes and into my shoes soaking the socks and chilling my sensitive little tootsies. Fuck, I said to myself. Fuck indeed.

Yep, there's nothing like driving home with sodden shoes and hearing a delightful squelching sound as you work the pedals. Whoo!

Angelina Is Hiding Her Twins?

2009-07-02T00:22:00.002-04:00

Bugger.

Stoopid Txting Drivers!

2009-07-01T12:52:00.007-04:00

Urgh, got stuck behind this ute [known in the States as a pickup truck] this morning when I drove Diane to work. The dumbass was driving well-below the speed limit; at one stage he was lucky to clock 30 mph¹ [about 48 km/h] and was royally pissing me off as a result.

When I got into a position to pass his worthless arse we noticed he was txting with one hand and presumably trying to operate his vehicle with the other [and failing miserably].

Grr! If you are able to: change the radio station, switch a cd, manipulate your iPod, txt, talk, or get a bj while driving and not have it impede your ability to drive then you are awesome. But if you are like the dipshit this morning then do us all a favour and pull over!

¹ The speed limit in most parts of town is typically 40 mph [64 km/h]. However, the unofficial limit is 50 mph [80 km/h] or whatever you can get away with.

The Pointless Non-Nude Playboy

2009-07-01T12:03:00.010-04:00

G4 siren Olivia Munn is resplendent in a red bathing suit across the cover of this month's Playboy. But don't dash off down to the newsstand just yet fanboys because here's the small print: it's a non-nude op.

No boobies for you!

To be perfectly honest there's no point being on the cover of Playboy if you're not going to take the clothes off. It's like having a picture of a chocolate pudding on the cover of Bon Appetit and not printing the recipe inside. That's just insanity!

No pudding for you!

If I somehow managed to make the cover of Playgirl I'd expect there to be some artistic bulge 'n winkle action inside. Maybe even a fantasy DIY scene where I've popped over to sand the skirting board and whoopsy my cock just fell out. It would be rude not to.

Fresh Meat

2009-07-01T11:55:00.003-04:00

We've got some n00bs at work and one wonders how long they'll last. We've had some epic fails over the past couple of years with employees; one chick decided to quit after a day and went back to stripping as she made more money getting her kit off. I guess you can't argue with that logic.

N00bs are like raw recruits in the army. I feel like the wily sarge who has to mold these fresh faces into an effective fighting force. But the problem is you don't want to get too close to them because you don't know who's going to make it: Tripp could get the clap in a brothel; Blutowski could step on a landmine; Lee could be riding point and take one in the eye. Who knows! I tell you, working in a bookstore can be brutal.

Ten Films Vying For Best Picture!?

2009-06-29T13:55:00.007-04:00

Ten? My wife mentioned this the other day over dinner and it seems bizarre that ten films will be nominated for best picture at next year's Academy Awards.

To be perfectly honest, five is the best number for the award. If a certain film didn't make the ballot then you have to take it on the chin. If you extend it to ten films then why not 12? Or just open it up to every film released within the window. Now that would be an interesting nomination list. Would Crash have triumphed over, say, Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid in 2005? I smell a potential upset!

Also, one imagines many academy members struggle to view five nominated pictures a year; ten's going to really overwhelm their time. I guess they can squeeze in a screening or two between shuffleboard and the afternoon nap....

Family Guy. So Wrong Yet So Funny.

2009-06-29T13:37:00.003-04:00

Family Guy takes a perverse thrill from being as wrong as possible. That's probably why it's so funny [although the South Park guys would disagree with you on that one].

Every so often I catch up on an episode that I've never seen, and there will be something in there that kicks me right in the funny bone. Take this clip from the Season 4 episode Blind Ambition ....

Did You Hear About The Smurfs in Swansea?

2009-06-29T00:47:00.003-04:00

I was watching an old episode of Chelsea Lately and she mentioned some people in Swansea set a new record for the most people dressed up as Smurfs. I didn't even know such a record existed.

Apparently, some 2,500 individuals painted themselves blue and kitted themselves out in Smurfwear before massing at a local night spot for the official count.

Each Smurf was thoroughly examined from head to toe to see if any natural skin colour was showing through because the conditions of the record attempt were strict. The organisers didn't want any Sloppy Smurfs letting the team down. [Just between you and me, it's very likely some dudes painted their knobs blue ... which segues into an interesting joke about blue balls but I'm not going there].

And they did it, eclipsing the previous record of 1,200. Unfortunately, the celebration party mutated into extreme debauchery. Many Hefty Smurfs were bounced from the nightspot after picking fights; while Rufi Smurf was arrested after being observed messing with Smurfette's banana daiquiri. A tragic end to a wonderful day.

Deep Heat Is No Substitute For Lube

2009-06-29T00:42:00.002-04:00

Let this be a warning for all of you. Deep Heat goes deep but it's not the deep you think. And there's heat, oh yes, but it's not the heat you think.

Right, class dismissed.

Groan Groan Stomach Cramp

2009-06-28T13:02:00.003-04:00

Dude, woke up with the worst stomach cramp ever. It was like a gang of small, stocky animals had used my abdomen as a trampoline. I have no idea what caused it, although it could have something to do with low blood sugar levels. Or perhaps it was some gravitational effect from the moon, who the fudge knows?

But all I know is that shit hurt. Mind you, some plain bread and a cup of green tea seemed to do the trick. Perhaps it would be wise to keep that remedy in mind for next time.

The Goonies 2. It Could Happen. But Probably Not

2009-06-28T00:40:00.003-04:00

I don't think there will ever be a sequel to The Goonies. Perhaps that is how it should be. The film is a perfect little slice of my 1980s childhood that is preserved in all its awesomeness and unsullied by lame arse continuation. Unfortunately, Aliens [with or without the Predators], Star Wars, and Indiana Jones have not fared as well.

However, let us delve into a game of what-if and wonder what the characters of The Goonies would be up to now....

Mikey took over as the curator of the museum where his Dad worked. Children forced to visit with their school groan whenever Old Man Walsh sits them down to talk about his one-eyed Willy [boom! boom!].

Mouth married Rosalita, the saucy Spanish help hired by Mikey and Brandon's mother. They remain happily married with 12 kids.

Data decided to get real about his James Bond obsession and joined the CIA. Unfortunately, his grapple teeth chomped on the CIA Director's cock and Data was sent to a backwater station to serve penance.

Andy decided to take her piano lessons seriously, joining the Oregon Philharmonic as their classical pianist before quitting to persue her dream of becoming a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.

Brandon felt guilty about taking that little girl's bike and used his cut of the treasure to buy her an ATV. Unfortunately, the little girl was too young to operate an ATV and drove it off a cliff. Brandon was charged with providing a motor vehicle to a minor causing horrific death and is still in prison today. Occasionally is allowed a conjugal from Andy, which is terribly sporting of her.

Chunk became romantically involved with Sloth. The two lived together for a time, but their relationship was tempestuous. Particularly galling to Chunk was Sloth's penchant for eating in bed: "Sloth, you were eating Baby Ruth's in bed again!" he would shout. "Ruth! Ruth!" replied Sloth. Chunk and Sloth are currently on a break.

Steph disappeared. Some suspect she became a pirate, raiding up and down the Oregon coast in a row boat amassing a large fortune and then hiding it underground. It's possible this is all conjecture, but she was rather pissed when Mouth married Rosalita. Steph was seen leaving the wedding reception all huffy and shouting, "I'll get those Goonies!"

So there you have it. A what-if of delicious possibilities.

DIY Rescue: Bathroom Edition

2009-06-27T00:57:00.004-04:00

I'm a rather bookish chap who is fairly average when it comes to home maintenance and decoration. Given sufficient motivation I can rouse myself to accomplish some passable repair jobs around the house but throwing bioclean down the plug hole does not a home handyman make.

But I decided to drive out of my comfort zone and set about a bathroom decoration project. This was mainly because we'll be having a permanent house guest in the form of a son next month and I wanted him to have a cool bath time experience.

So I thought about it some and settled on a seaside cottage theme complete with sail boat, lighthouse, pelican, and some other stuff. It's still in progress and I have to throw the second coat up tomorrow but once it's done I think it'll look spiffy.

See, there's hope for me yet. Next I'll be building a gazebo or something.

Michael Jackson: Dead?

2009-06-27T00:39:00.004-04:00

Just imagine an imaginary scenario where Michael Jackson elaborately fakes his own death to drive up the sales of his albums to generate the cash to pay off his extensive debts. Hm he says as he scratches his chin in contemplation. Hm.

Now I'm in no way advocating this scenario as fact; indeed, I believe that he really is playing the great gig in the sky. However, when I was in Best Buy earlier today I noticed all of the Michael Jackson albums were gone [including, one presumes, the naff ones like Invincible and Blood on the Dance Floor].

If my dinky little Best Buy was out of Jackson albums, then it seems likely everyone's dinky little Best Buys were cleaned out also. That's a shit load of album sales generating some serious moolah. Think about it.

Oprah, Ooba. Ooba, Oprah.

2009-06-26T23:58:00.005-04:00

Discovered a fantastic new drink while perusing the beverage isle at Whole Foods. It's called Ooba, and it's made from a combination of hibiscus flower extract, water, cane sugar, and various flavourings. However, the drink doesn't contain that nasty high fructose corn syrup so you can rest easy as I could tell you were worried.

Actually, the amount of shit that contains high fructose corn syrup is frightening. The other day I was buying Italian rolls and I noticed they contained HFCS as well. Bread! I'm very concerned about our HFCS consumption; I believe that we're turning into walking corn bags. This could have serious repercussions if we encounter a race of aliens addicted to HFCS. Since we're saturated with the crap they might decide to start eating us. That would really put a downer on one's day.

Um, anyway as I was saying Ooba is very tasty and if you get the opportunity to try its refreshing goodness then please do. It's hibiscus! It's delicious!

So, Bioshock 2. Are You Out Yet?

2009-06-25T11:36:00.003-04:00

Well I'm not in Rapture at the moment and I haven't hacked any vending machines to get cheap goodies, nor have I injected any EVE to power my awesome Plasmids. I haven't saved any Little Sisters and I haven't killed any Big Daddies [Electro Bolt with armor-piercing rounds work wonders].

And do you know why I haven't done any of these things? Because you're not bloody out yet! *Sniff sniff.

Moments of Excitement: Magnetic Screwdriver

2009-06-25T11:25:00.003-04:00

I was in Lowe's this morning and it was fun. For those not in the know, Lowe's is a big barn hardware store like a Mitre10 or something. Anywho, I was in there doing my thing and I spotted this magnetic screwdriver set for under $10. I know! What a steal, right?

So I says to myself, Richard you old bean: isn't that exactly what you've been looking for? And I really have because some jobs just cry out for a magnetic screwdriver [with changeable tips].

The checkout dude was suitably impressed:

Him: "Hey, magnetic screwdriver."

Me: "Uh-huh."

Him: "They're powered by magnetism."

Me: "You know it!"

Then we high-fived and off I went, happy with my purchase and looking forward to future opportunities to use my new magnetic screwdriver.

Moments of Excitement: French Lavender Dryer Cloths

2009-06-25T00:52:00.006-04:00

Today's Moment of Excitement is brought to you buy the letter M, and the number 7. And just what is my MoE? Well, I'm about to pop my laundry into the bloody dryer, that's what!

For extra specialness my wet clothes will be accompanied by these French lavender dryer cloths that make my clothes smell like French lavender.

In fact, I was at the supermarket the other day and the checkout person said, "Hey, you smell like French lavender." I laughed and said, "Well of course I do -- it's the dryer cloths I use." We all had a good chuckle and I drove home.

Okay, time for bed.

I Name The Combatants Foxlie

2009-06-25T00:22:00.004-04:00

Megan Fox vs. Angelina Jolie. It's on! If you believe The Sun. And if you believe The Sun, I have a car you might be interested in. Only 5,000 ks on the clock would you believe.

However, let's humour the story for a second. Fox has claimed in the past that comparisons between her and Angelina are nothing but lazy journalism. But out pops The Sun [who could never be accused of lazy journalism...] with "sources" who suggest Angelina has her knickers in a twist because Fox has allegedly copied her style. Dark hair and tats is hardly a style.

Now, if Fox hops on a plane to some third world country and adopts a couple of kids, that allegation I can understand. But as Fox isn't sporting a walking accessory yet, we'll let this one sleep.

The last piece of silly dribble is the "source's" claim that Angelina is also miffed about the new Tomb Raider film and the rumours Fox is going to be in it. Apparently Angelina believes Fox can't "handle" the part of Lara Croft. Hm, running around dusty tombs with big knockers while shooting some guns? Yeah, Fox shouldn't have any problems with that.

Overly Dramatic Music

2009-06-24T23:39:00.005-04:00

We were watching a documentary on the Biography channel today when we couldn't help but make fun of the overly dramatic music used to accentuate important moments in the subject's life. You know, the huge DUN-DUN! that signifies DRAMA or SHOCK! For example:

"Things began to change for Brian. As he became more successful his drinking and drug use spiraled out of control." DUN-DUN!

To be honest, the seriousness and solemnity of the piece we were watching was ruined by the shoddy muso and his DUN-DUN! machine. Eventually one begins to delve into mockery instead of paying attention ....

"Sebastian went into the bathroom to take a dump. It was only after that he realised there was no toilet paper to wipe his arse with." DUN-DUN! "So he sat there, on the toilet, for days."

"Karen's bikini line was out of control. Stepping into the shower, Karen was all set to rock that thatch when she discovered her boyfriend had used her last razor to shave his balls." DUN-DUN!

"Bobby thought his chick drought was about to break. Meeting an attractive blonde at a local bar he brought her home to his two-bedroom condo. As things started to get hot and heavy, Bobby soon discovered something shocking: the chick had a cock." DUN-DUN!

I have a whole heap of those; really, I could go on for hours.

Please Send Tissues to the Daily Mail

2009-06-24T22:48:00.008-04:00

According to the Daily Mail, the one-week ban handed out to Lions rugby player Nathan Hines for a spear tackle has "reopened wounds" of the Lions 2005 tour to New Zealand. I'm not sure that it has, but there are papers to sell and nothing sells like controversy and delicious tears of pain. Mm, your tears taste so sweet to me.

It's a tenuous thread that links the Brian O'Driscoll tackle of 2005 with the Nathan Hines tackle of 2009. There is absolutely no similarity whatsover and it seems the writer's gripe is that one player was banned and the others were not. This happens in most sports on a regular basis and is part of, shall we say, the drama.

The next sob, which I call the Kiwi Konnection, is just plain laughable. To imply there's an insidious conspiracy to bugger the Lions rugby team by New Zealanders means the writer is one paranoid story away from the loony bin.

I'm sure it was pure coincidence the citing commissioner was a Kiwi; besides, it was a Canadian judicial officer who imposed the ban. And to be perfectly honest, if we really wanted to take a Lions player out of action Nathan Hines would be well down the list: we'd probably go for O'Driscoll again ....

Still, like I said, I bet they sold a shit load of papers today.

Send in the Fembots!

2009-06-23T01:07:00.002-04:00

As Dr. Evil would say, I like to see girls of that ... caliber. Seriously, Lady Gaga is going to take someone's eye out with those if she's not careful.

Why Must You Turn This Tattoo Parlor Into a House of Lies!

2009-06-23T00:42:00.005-04:00

Anyone buy the story about the chick in Belgium who said she fell asleep while getting inked and then woke up to find 53 more stars on her face than she asked for?

I've never had a tattoo, but I've seen episodes of Miami Ink and I know plenty of people with tats and there's no way someone is gonna catch 40 winks with a needle buzzing around their face.

So it's no surprise to discover that the girl in question made the whole lot up. It was all fibs! According to the news, the girl invented her story after her Dad shat his pants when he saw her face looked like a constellation [I'd call that one Ursa Dumbass].

At one stage the tattooist offered to cover half of the removal cost [even though he protested his client requested 56 stars] but has now rescinded his offer and requests people sign a consent form [or bring a note from home] before getting inked.

Well, I think we've all learned a valuable lesson here.

Alice in Wonderland

2009-06-23T00:24:00.004-04:00

Images of Tim Burton's 2010 film Alice in Wonderland have surfaced over at Perez Hilton. They're very cool and Johnny Depp looks ... well, bloody mad.

And let's face it, there's nothing not mad when one considers Lewis Carroll's story. I still maintain that he was as high as a frickin' kite when he wrote that [or at least three sheets to the wind].

According to my spies [a.k.a, Wikipedia] the film is set when Alice is a 17-year-old woman who has no recollection of her time spent down the rabbit hole. And then, one day, she sees a certain white rabbit. Sounds groovy!

My Pre-Fatherhood Father's Day

2009-06-22T12:40:00.005-04:00

Yesterday was Father's Day here in the US, which is about 3 months before it is observed in New Zealand. Needless to say it's helpful my parents send me a NZ calendar every Christmas because without it I'd be forgetting when it is down under. Thankfully Mother's Day in NZ is on the same day as it is here!

So yesterday we spent a nice afternoon with family where I ate one too many hamburgers and drank two too many margaritas before dozing on the couch. It's been awhile since I had a frozen margarita and let me just say they went down really easy.

I guess you could say this was my first Father's Day, even though the baby is about a month away from being born. He actually bought me a card, which is quite impressive when you consider he doesn't have a bank account. I suspect his Mum had something to do with the purchasing of a card....

The Super Repo Man

2009-06-22T11:46:00.007-04:00

Having the repo man come and repossess your shit sucks, especially if it's a nice set of wheels that you've been polishing and cruising around in trying to pick up chicks.

In most cases of repossession a bank will call any old repo man to do the deed. However, what if a bank wants to take a submarine or a private jet? Any vanilla flavoured repo man is not cut out for that kind of op. It requires something more specific, like a neapolitan-flavoured repo man. So the bank sends in the Super Repo Man to steal your shit. He's like the A-Team of repo men, able to take anything anywhere in the world at anytime. He probably has a cool van as well.

Yes, from luxury speed boats in Palm Beach and Miami to jets in Mexico and Colombia, the Super Repo Man repos it all -- armed guards or not. You'd have to be a special kind of man to steal a plane protected by goons with guns. Staring down a shotgun doesn't sound like fun, but Super Repo Man Nick Popvich believes that the man who says he's going to shoot you will not shoot you.

Good to know.

You can read all about it over at Salon.

Transformers Season One. Heh, Alright.

2009-06-22T11:32:00.002-04:00

Target had season one of The Transformers for $16. Wow, I know -- what a bargain, huh? Yes, it would have been rude to have passed.

So after bringing it home and firing it up I started to notice how inconsistent the animation was in those early episodes. Perhaps it's only more noticeable to eyes that have been spoiled by the awesomeness of the Pixar films, but it was amusing to see Thundercracker's arse end up on Starscream, and to see their noses of their jet forms droop like a flaccid winkle.

However, it's a minor grumble considering the show is 25 years old, and it's still fun to watch after all this time.

The Conrad Conundrum

2009-06-21T00:24:00.003-04:00

I'm not a 14-year-old girl and this is probably the main reason why I don't get Lauren Conrad or, indeed, the bloody Hills. I've seen a little of it, watched Joel McHale eviscerate it on The Soup, and devoted a few seconds of brain power trying to decipher the thing and I still just stop and say: are people fucking stupid?

Of course it could be humanity's hunger for gossip and drama that keeps people glued to the so-called reality of The Hills, and if so we are doomed to an endless stream of Hills-like shows that spin off its actors into other realms of media and popular culture. Music, fashion, magazines, literature -- it's all avenues of potential revenue.

I mention literature because LC has dived into the world of words and released her first book, LA Candy. In light of this it's easy to feel sympathy for writers trying to get their first books published because in the current environment no publisher is going to take a punt on an unknown. Of course, it makes sense from a business perspective to throw LC's name on a book and watch the money roll in but it still leaves a bad taste in the mouth. Like licking a skunk's arsehole.

And the money will roll in for the publisher, HarperCollins. The pull LC has on her fans is similar to the pull a black hole has on, well, everything. There is no escape and eventually you'll be sucked past its event horizon into who-the-fuck-knows-where.

And the fans are very excitable. Take for example the young lady I was helping today. She was practically shaking and rocking on the spot like she needed to take a dump really badly but the toilet was being used and if she didn't go soon she would explode. Luckily for me I was able to procure a copy for her because if I didn't she might have maimed me with her iPhone.

Oh, well -- perhaps I shouldn't hate even though it feels phenomenal. I guess what it all boils down to is that everyone is allowed to read whatever they want and afterward we can all eat rainbow fuckin' flavoured popsicles.

Things I Wish I Made Up: Jewbacca

2009-06-20T00:02:00.003-04:00

I was doing some menial task at work the other day and I thought to myself, wouldn't it be slightly amusing if there was a Jewish Wookie and his name was Jewbacca? Turns out there's already a Jewbacca. I know, right!

To be honest it's a simplistic switch of words to go from Chew to Jew and merge it with the bacca we all know and love, so it's no surprise that someone beat me to the punch [by about 30 years, I reckon].

But, in those moments of mindlessness we often find ourselves in, Jewbacca was born from a demented mating of The Big Lebowski and Star Wars.

Jewbacca: "I told those fucks down at the Rebellion a thousand times that I don't play Dejarik on Shabbos!"

Luke: "What's Shabbos?"

Jewbacca: "Saturday, Luke, is Shabbos the Jewish day of rest. That means I don't work, I don't get in the Falcon, I don't fucking ride in the Falcon, I don't pick up the communicator, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as shit don't fucking play Dejarik! Shomer shabbos!"

Han Solo: "Jewbacca...."

Jewbacca: "Shomer fucking Shabbos!"

Han Solo: "Oh fuck it. I'm out of here."

So I Was Glancing Through Nylon Guys Today

2009-06-19T00:15:00.005-04:00

You know, just for some inspiration in the clothes department. I'm thinking of delving into my inner fashionista and overhauling my look. Well, I need to have a look first before it's overhauled but you know what me saying. Mostly my clothes tend to be either work clothes and then it's the old shorts and a tee time when home.

So anyway, Nylon Guys didn't have much by way of anything cool [cool being subjective, of course] but I was intrigued by a hoodie that was so tight around the head that it looked as if the model was wearing one of those all-in-one speed suits athletes wear at the Olympics [the ones that max out the bulgeage]. So I was looking at this image and going, no. No we're not going to wear one of those. Come to think of it, I can't image anyone wearing one of those and lasting the day without a severe beating. The colour was okay, though.

After some forlorn flicking I gave up and decided that Nylon Guys was not going to be my fashion bible after all. Perhaps GQ might be more up my alley....

Nerds!

2009-06-18T22:50:00.003-04:00

Diane practically wets her pants laughing whenever she sees this scene in Revenge of the Nerds. And that's fair enough, it is quite the rib tickler if I do say so myself. If you've never seen the awesomeness that is Revenge of the Nerds [and I have no idea why you wouldn't have!], I'll set it up for you:

Lewis and Gilbert have just been dropped off at their university, Adams College, where they will be studying computer science. As they make their way across campus [carrying a chest between them that contains a robot] they're spotted by Ogre, a member of the all-jock Alpha Beta fraternity. Ogre isn't a fan of nerds, as you're about to see.

Pure gold boys and girls.

Your Baby @ 35 Weeks

2009-06-17T15:14:00.005-04:00

Apparently a baby at 35 weeks weighs as much as a honeydew [which I guess depends on the size of the honeydew, really].

And it's about this time the baby starts putting on weight. If he's anything like his old man that won't be a problem... Um, his kidneys are now online and his liver is tentatively processing waste for the first time, which is always a landmark in human development. He still likes to kick, although there is less leg-room than there used to be ... so mum's spleen and lungs get worked over. Not fun.

Pretty soon that baby's gonna drop down into the exit chute which is a mixed-blessing, really. The lungs feel less burdened but the bladder's going to be working overtime. Out of the frying pan...

So really it's the home stretch now. In a month we'll be at the hospital, chilling out and waiting for the arrival of Caleb. Should be fun!

3-2-1 Contact = Funky Theme

2009-06-17T14:27:00.003-04:00

I never realised 3-2-1 Contact had such a funky theme! Why did no one tell me this? Look!

You know, if Richard was musically inclined he'd be remixing this shit and getting it onto the dance floor right now. Maybe Lady Gaga or Samantha Ronson could do something with it, and then we can tweet back and forth about how awesome we are. If we wanted to we could also tweet about how skanky a certain someone's ex-girlfriend is. I mean, totally.

I must say watching that intro took me back to 1983. Sitting on the carpet sipping Raro and watching shows that not only entertained us but taught us meaningful skills we could take with us into the outside world. I don't actually remember anything I learnt from watching them, but I'm sure they weren't that important. Now I'm just going to use this knife to remove a piece of toast that's jammed in the toaster....

A Dove, A Nest, A Hurricane Shutter

2009-06-17T14:09:00.003-04:00

Birds find the oddest places to nest. Take exhibit A for example. This particular dove decided, after dissing and dismissing the billion trees in the neighbourhood, that the hurricane shutter on our front door was the best available place.

Not that I begrudge one of Mother Earth's creatures procreating literally on our doorstep, but one hopes the eggs are hatched and flown away before we get a hurricane.

Anywho, apparently doves mate for life and when nesting the male and female will take turns sitting on the eggs. As they used to say on Sesame Street, cooperation makes it happen!

A Well-Rounded Fruit Bowl

2009-06-17T13:57:00.002-04:00

Took this photo of the fruit bowl the other night. It's possible there is an item in there not typically found in your suburban fruit bowl.

But then I figured, hey, cocoa beans grow on a tree, right? Therefore they must qualify as fruit ... or some mutated fruit byproduct.

Anywho, Starbucks make a mean truffle.

Work For Free?

2009-06-17T11:15:00.004-04:00

Wow, British Airways are doing it tough. As part of a cost-cutting scheme they've asked for volunteers to work for free or to take unpaid leave. Apparently the CEO is up for it, and he's trying to rally the troops.

That's a tricky one for an employee to consider. On the one hand, if you've got a bit stashed away and can afford to go without pay for a wee while, then I can see someone taking a hit for the team. When you consider a week or so unpaid work against the possibility of joining the dole queue if your company goes bust, then it's not such a bad idea if it contributes the survival of your job.

Yet on the other hand, in this environment can anyone afford to go without pay? Interesting.

I'm not sure what I'd do if Barnes and Noble asked its managers to volunteer for unpaid leave or unpaid work. I'd be like, "Yo, it already feels like you don't pay me! Boom! Boom!"

We now return you to your regular programming.

Flight of the Conchords in Concert.

2009-06-17T10:27:00.004-04:00

A couple of months ago we ventured down to the University of Miami to catch Flight of the Conchords in concert. I was going to blog about it at the time but I kept putting it off and promising to do it later, etc. So anyway, we went and it was most excellent. I just thought you'd like to know that.

Er, well if you haven't seen the Conchords in concert, and you're somewhat familiar with their brand of comedy, then you really should take some time off to go and see them. The act is very charming and has a funky lo-fi vibe to it, from the toy piano to the do-it-yourself robot costumes they wore in the opening number [Too Many Dicks on the Dance Floor].

The best song they played on the night was one that I wasn't too familiar with, and that was Stana. It seemed like they were adding verses to the song as they went, and several times we thought the whole song was going to fly off the rails. But they kept it together, although Jemaine mentioned they had yet to come up with a proper ending for it.

The Conchords were joined on stage by some dude called Nigel, who plays with the NZ Symphony Orchestra. Before he came out Bret told the audience they had "a very special guest" with them. At that moment several thousand voices shouted, "Murray!" We were really amped thinking Murray was going to make an appearance and sing Leggy Blonde. However, it wasn't Murray; it was Nigel. Jemaine remarked, "Oh, thanks. How do you think that makes us feel?"

We also bought a couple of shirts. Diane got one that had Band Meeting on it; I got one that had Too Many Dicks on the Dance Floor on it. Somehow it just appealed to my sense of humour.

With any luck they'll release a concert DVD compiled from all of the venues they've played on their US tour. It would certainly be something cool to watch from time to time and if you missed them it would be the next best thing.

Fleet Foxes

2009-06-15T22:38:00.008-04:00

Fleet Foxes are one of my favourite bands at the moment. They seem to have carved out their own little sound that is immediately retro but goes well beyond the current 1980s influenced acts that are permeating our eardrums.

If you want to describe them to someone you could say they're a little like Crosby, Stills, and Nash with the vocal harmonising of the Beach Boys. Maybe, but they're very cool and if you were lucky enough to be at Coachella earlier this year you would have seen them. And if you saw them I would say to you, "Lucky sod!"

Here's a wicked video for White Winter Hymnal.

Long and Wiggly Fingers Fire Fox Journalist?

2009-06-15T20:42:00.006-04:00

So an ex-Fox journalist is suing Fox for wrongful dismissal. Yep, apparently Fox fired him after some [alleged] pressure from the Church of Scientology. Turns out the Church [sic] grew a little tired of the journalist's snipping and bitchin' so they decided to bring it. All it took was a little whisper in Rupert's ear and boom!, the journalist was out of there by lunchtime after ten years on the force.

I dunno dudes, I really have to wonder how long and wiggly the Church of Scientology's fingers are in matters like this. Sometimes things are so sensational that it must be bollocks. Really, a journalist working for Fox pissed them off so much they had him liquidated ... er, fired?

Mind you, I was shelving some books in Self Improvement the other day and one of the books happened to be Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard. As I filed it correctly [might want to watch how that's done Barnes & Noble customers] I had barely muttered under my breath, "What a load of cobblers", when out of nowhere a Scientologist leapt at me all ninja style and punched me on the cock.

"No one expects a Scientologist leaping out of nowhere and punching you on the cock," he cried while standing over my crumpled form. "Now don't you ever say that about Dianetics again or it'll be a double-dose of cock poundage for you."

All I could do was weep like a little girl and wait for the swelling to go down while promising never to engage in sarcastic bastardry again. That was a lesson well learnt, people.

Richard & Diane + 1

2009-06-15T13:30:00.002-04:00

It's a new concept in reality television. It runs counter to the existing "big family" shows that currently dominate the basic cable landscape. You know, stuff like Jon & Kate + 8, 18 Kids and Counting [that can't be good for the vag, yo], The Octomom, Table for Twelve, and many more personal favourites.

Essentially what this show does is follow and document the lives of a typical nuclear family containing a Papa Bear, a Mama Bear, and a Baby Bear. Yes, I know -- atypical families are so hot right now. But tomorrow is not right now, and tomorrow the taste for uberfamilies could very well turn sour, particularly in light of henbludgeoned Jon playing the field behind Kate's back.

So join us for such exciting fare like:

Diane wondering why Richard has to fart so loudly.

Richard explaining to Diane, "Hey, I'm a dude."

Diane replying that the "dude defense" is not an actual excuse.

Richard countering that farting real loud is one of his few talents and it would be a sin to deprive the world of said talent.

Diane explaining that her water just broke.

Richard freaking out and shouting, "I should have read the baby books!"

And that's just in episode one! I can barely contain my excitement.

Hm, Gears of War 2 or Halo Wars?

2009-02-18T14:24:00.004-05:00

Or, to throw a spanner into the works, Fallout 3? This is the minor conundrum I face in the coming weeks. You see, my parents-in-law gave me a Best Buy voucher for my birthday and I also have some Best Buy Rewards coupons to redeem before the end of March. Essentially, this means I can purchase a new game for the Xbox 360 system Diane bought me for Christmas. W00t!

Why not buy all three games at once Richard? Well, we have a baby on the way in July so I'm trying to be sensible about budgeting especially when one considers the economic situation this country is in. So no, it's going to be one game and it'll be free with my assembled gift cards.

So what shall it be?

Well, I recently clocked Gears of War and I thought it was frickin' cool. But do I want more of the same thing? Sure it was fun using the chainsaw bayonet on various Locust baddies, and boy did I get a thrill out of the Hammer of Dawn: calling down a killer satellite to roast your enemies is an experience every person should enjoy at least once in their life.

But would Gears of War 2 be too much of a good thing following on so quickly from the first one. Perhaps we should let Delta squad digest at little before jumping back into that world.

Halo Wars falls into the category I like to call looks interesting but it's a RTS on a console, ffs! Can it work? I've watched some of the demo videos and have had my curiosity nipples tweaked, yet my natural sense of skepticism still remains. Perhaps we should wait until some trade reviews start trickling in [the Japanese release is next week] about the game, not that I'd base my decision totally on what a reviewer thinks, however.

Gosh, what am I going to choose? I know, I'll go and make some coffee. Then I'll vaccum the carpet. Decisions, decisions.

Urgh, Had a Cold = Felt Like Crap

2009-02-18T14:00:00.003-05:00

Well tickle my winkle with a feather duster, I had quite the cold recently. If I had a Twitter account I would have micro blogged something like this:

Urgh, have a cold = feel like shit.

or,

Urgh, kill me now mofos. Me throat feel crappy.

or,

Urgh, I can't feel my face. Someone plz euthanize my worthless ass.

But I got better, thanks. Actually, I'm not surprised I got a cold. The temps have been up and down like a mutant yo-yo lately and when you consider that I work with the public then those ingredients make one hell of a bubonic stew.

I'd be working on a project and all around me people were spluttering and sniffing and coughing and dribbling. One can only take so much exposure to human sputum before things start to drop off.

For me it was my throat. Dudes, I was popping throat pastilles like they were sweet, sweet candy. I drank lemon/honey tea and gargled salt water from sun up to sun down. The strep in my throat laughed at these puny attempts at resistance. Then I decided to get medieval on its ass in the form of liquid Tylenol.

What's liquid Tylenol? Well, it's Tylenol in a liquid form. And that shit is blue! It smells and tastes horrid, but it kicked that cold's backside so much I thoroughly recommend it to anyone afflicted with the affliction I had. You can find it at all good chemists or superstores. I bought mine at the Coral Springs Super Target. Because I like Super Target. It's Super.

East Bound and Down

2009-02-18T13:48:00.007-05:00

Danny McBride has been popping up in various features of late. You might remember him from Pineapple Express or Tropic Thunder. Perhaps you caught his first film The Foot Fist Way.

Last Sunday HBO debuted his new comedy series, East Bound and Down, about an ex-baseball player who becomes a substitute teacher at a North Carolina middle school. It's incredibly crass and immature which in my world = lol! Yeah, really, it's quite funny so you should download it or something. Here's the prologue from the first episode.

Too Many Dicks on the Dance Floor

2009-02-18T00:52:00.004-05:00

Last Sunday's Flight of the Conchords was the best of the season thus far. Jemaine dating an Australian was just too funny. "Are you going to take me to bed and root me again or what?" split my sack wide open with delicious hilarity. Good stuff.

The songs were brilliant, also. Sometimes with an episode you'll get a great song and a so-so song. However Too Many Dicks on the Dance Floor and Carol Brown [Choir of Ex-Girlfriends] were top drawer. Thanks to the power of YouTube you can see why.

Incidentally, the director of episode 5 was Michel Gondry, who directed the superawesome Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Bet you didn't know that.

Phelps's Fat Toke on His Magic Bong

2009-02-01T22:25:00.006-05:00

Quality British newspaper The News of the World managed to score a snapshot of Olympic gold miner Michael Phelps sucking back a fat toke from a bong and decided to print it. Holy shit, a 23-year-old dude smoking weed at a party. I've never heard of such a phenomenon!

I loved the part in the exclusive where a party goer described Phelps becoming "paranoid" and "looked nervous". Ah-huh, paranoid. Any truth in the rumour that Phelps was spotted at the local KFC eating all the skin from a bucket of chicken later that night as he tried to cure an attack of the munchies?

The thing that tickles my funny bone about these tabloid exclusives is the piety in which the writer's type that shit out. I mean, you're not going to tell me with a straight face that they've never smoked weed before. Sheesh, tabloid writers have to be the biggest collection of wankers on the planet, equal only to fluffers. Or bloggers....

Oh, well -- Phelpsy was silly and got caught. It probably means that he won't be appearing on Sesame Street in the near future. But there's always Sensamea Street.

Beating Australia. In Australia. And Making Them Cheat.

2009-02-01T21:45:00.005-05:00

Wow, our team of n00bs gave the Aussie superstars of cricket a cricketing lesson. Naturally you need to give a shit about the game of cricket to be interested; however, if you're slightly interested in the bottomdog beating the, er, topdog you might appreciate my joy at this time.

The whole cheating thing is funny. Basically their wicketkeeper, Brad Haddin, caught the ball in front of the wickets and dislodged the bails with his gloves. It gave the impression that the ball had hit the wickets, therefore bowling the New Zealand batsman, Neil Broom.

If the wicketkeeper catches the ball before it has passed the wickets, it's considered a no-ball and the batsman can't be out. If the wicketkeeper's gloves dislodge the bails, the batsman can't be out. If the wicketkeeper catches the ball in front of the wickets while dislodging the bails with his gloves and claiming the batsman has been bowled, then the wicketkeeper is a cheat.

Naturally the Aussies, led by professional George W. Bush look-a-like Ricky Ponting, have assumed the air of the aggrieved innocent in this matter. Play hard but play fair is the mantra I think they preach. Except when they're in danger of losing, of course.

I Told You Vegemite Was Poo!

2009-02-01T11:49:00.008-05:00

There are two types of people: Vegemite fans; and Marmite fans. And those who are not fans. So that's three, three types of people: Vegemite fans; Marmite fans; and the Non Fans. And those who haven't heard of either breakfast spread. Okay, there are four types of people....

Crap, that could go on all day. Anywho, lovers of this infrequent blog know that I am a big Marmite fan who frequently pours hot buttery scorn and insults upon those who prefer Vegemite. It's nothing personal, it's just a superior taste preference that I hold and is but one shot in the ongoing breakfast conflict known as the Mite Wars.

However, it looks like Vegemite is in big trouble. Not from breakfast eaters coming to their senses and throwing out their poo and replacing it with Marmite [if only!] but from the fatty fighters otherwise know as the Food Nazi Task Force. Gasp!

Apparently the Food Nazi Task Force [FOONATAFOR] have been exploring ways to combat Australia's Fatties and have declared Vegemite to be high in salt [no shit, Sherlock] and therefore eligible for a hypothetical tax increase. Other foods high in salt and fat would also be saddled with a tax increase. The Food Nazi Task Force are not due to deliver their final report until June, so we'll have to see if Vegemite gets placed on the endangered species list.

I should be laughing my tight little arse off, but I'm not. Because if Vegemite goes down, the Food Nazi Task Force will turn its attention on my beloved Marmite. Not having Marmite in my life ... I just couldn't take that kind of rejection. Getting a care parcel from New Zealand with a jar of Marmite packaged within is a ray of sweet sunshine on an otherwise overcast day. Stratocumulus.

And who cares what goes on in Australia, right? New Zealand wouldn't follow suit and impose their own Food Nazi Task Force, would they? Or would they....

Listening to My HD Receiver's Sage Advice

2009-02-01T11:31:00.003-05:00

So I was trawling the ol' DirecTV last night while waiting for the cricket to start and Lisa Lampanelli's HBO Special to end, when my channel trawl hooked Celebrity Beach Bowl on channel 101.

What's a Celebrity Beach Bowl, I asked myself. Well, a little bit of watching told me that the Celebrity Beach Bowl is a game of football that mixes, er, celebrities [a couple of Gossip Girls, some Kardashians, some other actors of unknown resumes, et al] and sporting dudes.

I was thinking of watching a little more when my HD Receiver said, "Hey, dumbass. I swear to God that if you're going to watch this shit I will come over there and punch you in the cock."

Not wanting to be cock-punched I swiftly changed the channel.

Zombie Hazard Road Sign

2009-01-29T23:08:00.010-05:00

This is some funny shit. And since 30 Rock ended at 10pm, I thought I was all out of funny for the evening. Good one putting off going to bed to trawl the internet on a school night!

Apparently some hacker dudes hacked into road signs in Austin and got them to read, Caution! Zombies ahead! Run for cold climates! The end is near!

Most people would laugh at that, except some officials are putting on their Big Person's Hats and talking about potential criminal charges. Yawn.

According to people in the know, hacking into those road sign thingies is not that hard. Most of them have a basic default password that doesn't require much manipulation [what, no dictionary attack? Didn't think I'd get to talk about that twice in one day!] and once through the meager defense the sign is ripe for naughty word play.

Imagine, what if someone put up stuff like, Free fried chicken! Or, Fastest to the next toll plaza gets a blowjob!

Yep, I could have fun with that.

1,000 Things Everyone Must ... Before You Croak!

2009-01-29T15:11:00.005-05:00

This sort of thing is a popular list with people. There's one for wines, foods, places, films, music, and I'm sure some enterprising chap somewhere has penned 1,000 Hookers You Must Bone Before You Die. You know it's probably true.

So The Guardian, that poster paper for liberal self-righteousness, has come up with its own list for novels. Are any of the books you've read on there? I've read quite a few; there's also more than a few I've never heard of. The shame!

But that's a good thing. It's always good to see what rates as an essential novel so you can dash out to your local Barnes & Noble and buy them. And once bought you can read them. And once read you can agree or disagree over the quality of the writing and appear more cultured than you really are.

Bubble Bobble

2009-01-29T14:49:00.005-05:00

So I was listening to Kids by MGMT today, and parts of that synthy goodness reminded me of Bubble Bobble. Now upon closer inspection it's not even close but it's amazing how one snippet of a sound can bring back a memory from years past. Huh?

Anywho, here's what the Bubble Bobble soundtrack sounded like on the C64.

This was the main theme, but if you hit shift or something when it loaded it changed to the alternative soundtrack. I think. But Bubble Bobble was cool, just get a read of that introduction:

Now, it is the beginning of a fantastic story! Let's make a journey to the Cave of Monsters! !Good luck!

Fuck yeah! Who wouldn't want to play after reading that? Pipe in the awesome computer synth music from 1986 and you're flying, esse. And I played a lot of Bubble Bobble. A lot.

I'm a Baby Daddy

2009-01-29T14:38:00.004-05:00

Get the fuck out of town! No, seriously. My wife and I are expecting a stork delivery sometime in mid-July. This will be out first child, so it's naturally very scary and exciting and scary and awesome and scary.

Needless to say I'm looking forward to the child being embarrassed by me in front of its friends.

Notice I say its, as we're not sure of the baby's gender. The ultrasound just shows ... something. The doctor assures me that the child will evolve into an entity resembling a human in the next month or two. Cool!

So there we go.

Ate Me a Whole Lotta Balls Today

2009-01-29T14:29:00.002-05:00

Meatballs. With spaghetti. What did you think I was talking about you dirty minx. Actually, in all seriousness, is it possible to speak about balls and not think or make a joke about testicles? I'm sure it is, so I'm going to try...

...nope, can't do it. It always goes back to the juice factory.

My wife makes means balls. She gets them all moist and salty, using a recipe from Wolfgang Puck no less. Then you drop those bad boys in the sauce and simmer for 45 minutes. Boil your pasta and presto, you're a fucking culinary genius. Tasty tasty.

Funny Ha Ha Fanboys Poster

2009-01-29T13:53:00.003-05:00

This picture is a classic, especially if you recognise that it's a riff on the 40-Year-Old Virgin poster. Simply delightful.

Oh, Yeah. I'm One Year Older

2009-01-29T12:55:00.006-05:00

Well, that was two days ago. Now I'm one year older plus two days. Then it will three, then four and finally, on Jan 27th 2010 I will be another year older. And so on, forever.

How old are you now?

31

How does it make you feel?

Like I want to stab someone with a soiled toothpick. I mean, meh.

What is it about birthdays?

I don't know, you tell me fucker.

You're the one asking the questions, cocklips.

Oh, right. Well, birthdays are these odd little things that pop up every so often. It's weird, I was thinking the other day as I lay in bed listening to the sounds of the Pacific ocean as its waves crashed upon the shore of some tranquil little island that, you know, it's weird. We mark our birthday as 12 months after the day we pop forth from the womb, and go from there. But, just think, what if we mark our life anniversary from the day we were conceived. Imagine, I was born in January 1978. Yet, by counting back 9 months that brings us to April 1977. If everyone knew their conception date we could scrap birthdays and celebrate lifedays instead!

Lifeday? You realise of course the Star Wars universe celebrates lifeday?

They do? Lucas surely is a god among men, for he has the answer!

Hold on, Geek Boy. I'm just getting started. Lifeday was celebrated by Wookies.

Chewbacca is a Wookie.

Was a Wookie. They killed him by dropping a moon on his head. It's complicated. Anyway, Lifeday was analogous to our birthday and Lucas slid this little nugget into his 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special.

Holiday Special? I'm not familiar with this work of genius.

Here's a link to YouTube.

Thanks. Oh, oh my lord! What have you done! What have you done!

It's fucking horrid, eh?

I ... can't feel my legs. It's so cold.

So there's one strike against having a lifeday. The other strike is mathematics. If you're already 9 months old when you spring from the vag of life, that means in three months time you become...

... 32.

32.

Yeah, let's just stick with birthdays.

A Dictionary Attack? They Throw Dictionaries At You?

2009-01-29T12:38:00.005-05:00

Wow, the dictionary attack! It sounds really cool and primal. I imagine these fat, bound editions of the Oxford English Dictionary launched from a trebuchet or some great siege engine, sailing through the air to strike the illiterate and the unenlightened.

You imagine the dictionary attack as the definitive weapon of last resort, sitting atop a stockpile of nasty shit like hydrogen bombs and the crunchwrap supreme from Taco Bell. "Don't make me get my dictionary out" would be the ultimate threat. The only thing that could possibly counter a dictionary attack would be a thesaurus defense. But now we're just getting silly.

Turns out a dictionary attack is brute force attack hackers use to defeat a cipher by figuring out its password. I guess that's why they tell people not to use shit like "qwerty" when setting your password. Hm. Excuse me for a second while I just log off...

Twitter on the Shitter

2009-01-29T12:23:00.003-05:00

I don't have a Twitter account. But I imagine it's terribly useful if you are on the go and need to tell someone you're on the go. Or on the job. Or on the shitter. I can't blog from the shitter, as there's no room to set up the desktop in there.

Plus, when you think about it, you really wouldn't want to. Unless you're like some of our Barnes & Noble customers who do everything on the shitter, like hold really personal conversations on their cellphones while their bomb bay doors are open and dispensing their payload on the porcelain below. So fuckin' gross, dudes.

Speaking of Barnes & Noble customers, why do they insist on asking you for a book when you're taking a slash? They're like, "Hey, I'm looking for this book and I don't know the author or the title. Can you help me?"

And I'm like, "Can I shake off first?"

Irritating.

No Ziggy? Poppycock or Poppyvag?

2009-01-29T11:58:00.007-05:00

Aw, man. Here I was all amped over Bowie resurrecting Ziggy Stardust and it turns out to be one of those unsubstantiated-thingy rumours that bounce around the internet machine and people believe them because if it's online it's on the button as far as truth goes, right? Right?

Wrong, mofo! It's not true, so back into the wardrobe goes my limited edition sequined jumpsuit that's tight in all the right places. Off goes the Ziggy from the iTunes. And off go my dreams, sniff sniff.

Actually, I'm not that cut up about it. I was thinking it would be kinda cool in some way as yet undefined by the cool spectrum, but Bowie has come out on his website and put the kibosh in any future Ziggy shenanigans. He even went so far as to label the rumours as "poppycock!" and was certain most of us would have realised it was poppycock.

Um, gotta admit I was sucked by the poppycock. I guess me get too excited for my own good, but where did the word poppycock come from? How come we don't have the saying poppyvag? I did some half-arsed investigating on Dictionary.com and discovered something wonderful. Apparently the word poppycock means "senseless talk" and probably originated from the Dutch who have a similar word pappekak which means "soft dung". Pappekak is used in those situations where us English speakers will call bullshit! when someone is talking out of their arse.

Well, if I found that on the internet then it must be true.

Dutch Cookie Monster. No Translation Necessary

2009-01-25T12:31:00.004-05:00

Found this little nugget of audio/visual wondery on YouTube. Cookie Monster transcends language and culture [except for those cultures that don't like cookies] and the UN should appoint him as their special envoy and send him into the world's trouble and hot spots. He could bring peace and cookies, because everyone knows if you eat a cookie you feel good. If everyone felt good and ate lots of cookies we'd all get along better. Plus we would be really, really fat.

Watchmen Looks Awesome. But Will We Ever See It?

2009-01-07T21:55:00.002-05:00

Just finished watching the journal featuring the Minutemen group photo and I couldn't stop thinking how right the adaptation of Watchmen looks. Obviously it's not a literal adaptation [from what I can see] but it's all in the details, and thus far it's impressing the hell out of me. It really is the shit.

Yet ... will it ever see the light of day? Both Fox and Warner Brothers have agreed to let a judge decide whether the film's release can be blocked by Fox, with the judges ruling expected on January 20 [a week before my birthday, whoo!]. Watchmen is scheduled to appear in March, but we'll just have to wait and see what El Judgey has to say.

Watch the Cricket? It Was Rather Exciting

2008-11-20T16:01:00.002-05:00

Well, if you like cricket. But wasn't it cool to see li'l ol' New Zealand bowl the Aussies out for under 250?

Sure, it was a good toss to win but the pitch and conditions didn't offer that much assistance to the bowlers. Rather, it was excellent lines and sharp catching that helped to skittle the Aussies.

Mind you, I went to bed at the change of innings because our batting is atrocious. Although it appears they didn't lose any wickets before the close, so that's a relief.

"That's No Ordinary Rabbit." Monty Python Comes to YouTube

2008-11-20T14:32:00.003-05:00

Monty Python have decided to start their own channel over at YouTube. I think this is a good idea, and so do you. Here's a Killer Rabbit.

Whatever Happened to ... Kris Kross

2008-11-11T14:20:00.005-05:00

Well, what happened? If you hurl your mind back to 1992 you might remember the monsta splash that these kids created in the music world.

Communism was but a recent memory in Russia, and Bill Clinton was making a play for the White House. In New Zealand there was an energy crisis, and your delightful author was trying to memorise the periodic table for his fourth form science class.

Out of nowhere these two precocious lil' homies burst down upon us like Valkyries claiming the souls of the fallen on some mythological battlefield. Suddenly it wasn't so cold anymore in the midst of a harsh Kiwi winter; suddenly the frequent power cuts did not matter because Kris Kross taught us all to jump, jump ....

And then ... silence. The wiggida wiggida wiggida whacks went, er, splat. The promise of transcending the hip hop and pop worlds failed to metamorphosise, and Kris Kross receded into musical oblivion. Naturally there were rumours, there are always those. Kris and Kross joined rival coast factions [Kris West, Kross East or was that Kris East, Kross West?]; Kris and Kross became ministers in their own Churches of Funk; Kris changed his name to Diddy, Kross changed his name to Lil' Kim. Who knows? But music was never the same. Well, it actually got better but you know what I mean. Hm.

It's a Baby Bonanza!

2008-11-11T01:12:00.003-05:00

And who said the birthrate in New Zealand was declining? I just got an email from my friends Kelvin and Renee who welcomed a daughter early Monday morning. This is very cool news so congratulations, dudes!

Put The Pinkgate Tape on YouTube!

2008-11-10T22:33:00.004-05:00

Well the TVNZ reporter at the centre of the Pinkgate affair has resigned, and the tape of the non-interview will never see the light of day. Unless someone puts it on YouTube ....

Some of you might be wondering, "Gee, what's this Pinkgate thing he's talking about? It sounds slightly vaginal. I don't know if I want to know but I can't rip my eyes away so I'm going to continue reading."

Well since you asked, the Pinkgate affair was really quite silly. TVNZ reporter Hannah Hodson is the Australian correspondent for that network. She was supposed to conduct an interview with Pink, but something went awry. Pink walked out, her manager got into a scuffly fisticuffs thing with the cameraman and the sound dude, and TVNZ requested a "please explain" from their reporter.

Turns out, Hodson's sister used to work for Pink with emphasis on the used to part. According to reports, Hodson's questioning became hostile and Pink took exception to this. Understandably, Pink decided to bail on the gig. She would later tell rival network C4 that Hodson was "fucking insane" and had "lost her marbles."

That's basically it, really. Not that exciting, but just imagine if it had been Bjork!

Fine Line Between Winning &, Er, Not Winning

2008-11-10T22:07:00.003-05:00

So India wrapped up the test series between itself and Australia with an emphatic 172-run win in the fourth and final test. 2-0 was a fair result to the team that is clearly the Big Cheese in world cricket, although I doubt this signals the total demise of the Australian team. Nope, the Aussies are still good enough to give most other teams a spanking, but they're no longer the force they were throughout the mid-1990s and the early half of this decade.

That's natural when you take into consideration the loss of star players to retirements; players like Shane Warne, Glenn McGrath, and Adam Gilchrist are right up there with the best of all time.

So what next for the Aussies? Why, us! Yes, New Zealand hasn't won a test in Australia since the 1985-86 series, nor have they won a test against Australia since 1993. One could make the argument that dodgy umpiring cost us the Perth match back in 2001, but I won't go there ... or will I?

Erm, so will this year finally break the drought for us? Probably not, but I hope we go into the match swinging rather than meekly capitulating like we did in 2004. Getting bowled out for 76 in the second innings and having to endure the ignominy of watching one of the worst tailender's of all time knocking off a trouble-free fifty was enough for one lifetime.

And just think, Australian captain Ricky Ponting was so concerned about the upcoming series with us that he decided to bowl part timers rather than his quicker bowlers just to avoid a suspension for a slow over rate! Indeed, rather than risking the suspension and going all out to capture the last remaining Indian batsmen he decided to do the opposite, gifting India more runs than they theoretically would have collected. It really is a fine line between winning and, er, not winning.

Apparently the NZ Election Wasn't As Exciting As The US One.

2008-11-10T00:34:00.003-05:00

Well, duh. John Key vs Helen Clark doesn't have the same appeal as Obama vs Gramps, but then when did the international press start paying attention to what goes on in our little corner of the world?

Usually, in the case of Melbourne Herald Sun writer Jill Singer, it's to get a dig in. I must admit, I never pass up an opportunity to make fun of Australians, so I don't take any offense at the writer's obvious attempts at humour. Yes, Kiwis speak funny much like Australians: at least we can pronounce the name of our own country correctly, unlike Aussies who mangle it religiously. Think, "Austraya" and you have a fair impression of how it sounds.

No, what I found perplexing was how poorly written and uninformed the piece was. It almost resembles a blog entry, and I should know what one of those looks like....

It's clear the writer leans to the left [odd for a News Corp paper] which is fine and dandy but at least write something coherent and intelligent to support your bias. Bouncing around with poor jokes concerning accents, musing that John Key's daughter "looks on the verge of rebellion", unfairly comparing Key to Obama [?] and then speculating that New Zealanders will miss Helen Clark highlights the lack of structure.

To be honest, the final paragraph was the best constructed thought of the entire piece and should have formed the basis of her opening. But I guess she fell into the columnist's trap of trying to be funny.

The travesty is not that Jill Singer writers as poorly as she does; it's that she gets paid to write poorly.

I've Been Disenfranchised

2008-11-08T00:53:00.003-05:00

Which sounds really serious but it means I can't vote in the general election this year. Apparently I've been removed from New Zealand for too long to qualify as an eligible voter so it's no vote for me!

Oh well, I have a feeling the party I would vote for is going to be elected with or without my scribble. Yes, this life-long Labour voter would have actually crossed the floor to vote for the Tories. WTF!

To be honest, both parties tend to run shoulder-to-shoulder in the race for the moderate part of the political spectrum so there is very little difference between the two. It's the pragmatic approach.

But the main reason I would vote for the Blue team is because the Red team has been in office for nearly a decade. That's long enough. It's very rare a sitting government wins a fourth consecutive term, and to be honest there's never been a great fourth anything as someone once mentioned.

Superman IV: The Quest For Peace? Awful. Rocky IV? Apart from the cheesetastic montage scene and a few awesome lines from Dolph, awful. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace? Yeah, yeah -- structurally the first film but chronologically the fourth, dudes. Mesa thinkin' it was so ball-splittingly bad mesa can't be believin' mesa saw it four times! Ye Gods! What was mesa thinkin'? Denial is a powerful tool in the hands of a geek. And the king of them all: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Ouch.

The Trash Heap has spoken.

Anyone Notice Captain Kirk's Penis Rock?

2008-11-06T16:22:00.006-05:00

I saw a picture recently from one of the classic Star Trek episodes that made me examine it a little more carefully.

The episode, What Are Little Girls Made Of?, memorably saw Captain Kirk fighting Lurch from The Addams Family.

Since Lurch is built like a brick shit house, Kirk needed something to even up the fight so he grabs a handy, club-like rock. Except it doesn't look like a rock; it looks like a cock.

Edit. I didn't make the YouTube vid, btw. Some other enterprising chap did that for our amusement.

iTunes Genius Knows Me Better Than I Know Me

2008-11-06T15:41:00.002-05:00

I had put off playing with the Genius thingy in iTunes for reasons unknown. However, last week I finally dived in and discovered it to be all that and a bag of chips.

Most of us assume we can whip together a pretty decent mix tape. We pass them along to our friends and assure them that the sonic delights contained within will redefine their life. We preach that coffee will taste better, the air will seem fresher, and members of the opposite gender will gladly bone you because you have heard the tape.

Well, maybe not that extreme, but I do rate my mix tape assembly skills as better than average. Unfortunately for me, Genius has rendered me average at best. I don't know how I can look myself in the eye in the mirror ever again.

For example, I selected The Modern Age by The Strokes and challenged Genius to delve into my collection and build me a list like no other. Check it out [although I issue this caveat: if you don't share my taste in music this will undoubtedly suck. You've been warned.]

The Modern Age -- The Strokes
Tell Me in the Morning -- Cold War Kids
I'll Be Your Mirror -- The Velvet Underground & Nico
The Good Life -- Weezer
Jacqueline -- Franz Ferdinand
Sexx Laws -- Beck
There There -- Radiohead
Rock 'n' Roll Star -- Oasis
The Way It Is -- The Strokes
Wolf Like Me -- TV On The Radio
Coffee & TV -- Blur
Ball & Biscuit -- The White Stripes
Race For The Prize -- The Flaming Lips
Tropicalia -- Beck
Last Stop: This Town -- The Eels
Passing The Hat -- Cold War Kids
Is This It -- The Strokes
Stockholm Syndrome -- Muse
In Transit -- Albert Hammond, Jr
Can't Stand Me Now -- The Libertines
Kamera -- Wilco
Red Rabbits -- The Shins
Up Against The Wall -- Peter Bjorn & John
Change Your Mind -- The Killers
12:51 -- The Strokes.

Not a bad list to have playing in the background, huh?

Republican Circle Jerk of Doom! [And LOG]

2008-11-06T13:30:00.008-05:00

The day after the election was an interesting one for people-watching at work. One could tell, with reasonable accuracy, those customers who voted for Obama and those who, er, didn't.

Granted, many of the customers I deal with at Barnes & Noble are grumpy bastards most days of the week so I could be over-analysing the data brought in by my ears and eyeballs. However, when one customer says to me, "Pfft, all this commotion just because a black guy won?" it leads me to the obvious conclusion that yesterday was indeed nirvana for some and hell for others.

Take the Republican party for example. They've begun the process of working out where it all went wrong. Top of many a list is, not surprisingly, Sarah Palin. Plenty of rumours were flying around that not all was well within the McCain/Palin camp during the campaign. Now that it's all over those delightful "off the record" comments journalists collect can be set free to bludgeon us like lumps of hail.

For example, Palin believed Africa was country and not a collection of states in a landmass we commonly call a continent. Okay, so she wasn't an A+ student when it came to geography, but at least she showed a willingness to study up on shit, right?

Wrong, apparently she refused prep before the disastrous Katie Couric interview that was later mercilessly lampooned by Tina Fey on SNL. In some ways this revelation is oddly comforting when you consider the alternative: Palin could have crashed and burned with prep.

Another McCain staffer has even characterized Palin and her husband Todd as "Wasilla Hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast" after her much-reported shopping spree. Ouch.

So was Sarah Palin to blame? Well, she didn't help the campaign outside of electrifying the party base. The more she spoke, the more she sounded unfit for the position she was seeking.

She certainly had little appeal to independents of either gender [except horny men who liked the cut of her jib], and seemed a throwback to old school Republican values of guns, hypocrisy, anti-abortion, and Jesus. Bush in a skirt, if you want to call it.

But then she didn't pick herself, remember. It was the McCain people who went for the gamble, so we should take these stories as what they are: the revelations and anecdotes of disgruntled staffers from a losing campaign designed solely to apportion blame on someone other than themselves.

Let's face it, McCain's campaign was, and I don't think I'm being uncharitable when I say this, a fucking disgrace. Everyone associated with the McCain bid deserves to never run a campaign again, either for the office of US President or a class presidential race at your local high school. There was no central message, no cohesion, no strategy and no plan when a real presidential crisis popped up in the form of the economic turd bomb.

Yes, McCain did well in the states he won but those states are so red a log of wood could run on the Republican ticket and win. And that's not to demean a log of wood, either -- they can be very charismatic:

Yep, it's going to be very interesting to watch the blood-letting in the Republican party in the weeks -- or is that years -- to come. Maybe we should sell tickets?

Gobama, Go!

2008-11-05T01:17:00.007-05:00

Feeling very happy right now. Even up until the point when the networks were calling the election for Obama I had a nagging doubt that somehow McCain would still win it; that the Republicans had somehow defied the polls and pulled it out of the fire. Or that they stole it, one or the other.

It's going to be an interesting four years. I doubt it will be easy, particularly with the economy in the shitter. But with Democrats holding the House and the Senate, Obama is going to have the best support.

So the next thing to ponder is the make up of his administration. I thought perhaps he might find a place for Hillary Clinton, but my wife said that her wish would be for an administration to have no ties to the past.

I think that's a good approach: to dispense with the dynasties that have run American politics for the past couple of decades and begin anew. To have a dynamic, bipartisan and diverse administration that reflects the value of unity over division is the way forward.

Hopefully I don't wake up tomorrow and find out tonight was just a dream....

Help Me CNN, You're My Only Hope. [It's a Hologram!]

2008-11-05T00:58:00.004-05:00

Wow, we watched MSNBC tonight but if we had dialled in CNN we would have seen a pretty cool hologram.

I don't know how much it set CNN back [lots of bling no doubt], but I'm sure it was worth every penny.

And sure, while it looks a little clunky today imagine what it will look like tomorrow. With a little tweaking that sucka's gonna fly!

Next we'll be having a HoloNet of some description. You know it will happen and you will love it.

Gobama!

2008-11-04T14:25:00.004-05:00

Well, it's election day. As you can tell from the title, I have a preference. That's not to say that I dislike McCain; in fairness I actually had a lot of respect for him. Note, had a lot of respect for him. His campaign's conduct has been nothing but shoddy and disgraceful, and it appears he fell into the say anything do anything trap for votes.

All his campaign could settle on as a consistent message was don't vote for the "other one". Calls of he's a "socialist", a "terrorist", a "Marxist", and a "liberal" were straight out of the right wing play book. Yes, that's politics you might say, but it's old school and is not the right way to conduct a campaign in the current environment. The public deserve better.

McCain would have made a fantastic candidate back in 2000, but then his own party did a nasty number on him in the primaries and gave us George W. Bush. It's a shame that McCain, so hurt and incensed by the robocalls that helped derail him, would then employ the same tactics against Obama in 2008, particularly when he said he would never employ them himself. That blatant hypocrisy demeans him as a candidate.

It was certainly a sad sight to see McCain fall into the McRage caricature as he disrespected his opponent and headed a campaign that fell into the old tricks of divisive politics. Sometimes he looked, as George Costanza would say, "like an old man trying to return soup in a deli."

His choice of Sarah Palin was wrong, plain and simple. She's undoubtedly good looking, and it appears this was certainly a consideration: you might call it the Dan Quayle Factor. Quayle wasn't the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but he was a pretty boy. Palin is a limited candidate, like Quayle, who does her best with the limited tools at her disposal.

The insinuation that she would attract a great host of women still pissed over Hillary Clinton's loss in the Democratic primaries was insulting. Palin is not in the same league as Hillary Clinton: several weeks of campaigning has illustrated that point succinctly.

Of course, there are several people who are quite taken with Palin, particularly as she represents a section of the community who have had no one to identify with in national politics. Let's face it, politics is largely an old white dude's domain and it's no surprise that young mothers who ferry their children in the mini van to soccer games and attend their local churches went mad for Palin.

That's cool, that's democracy in action and a nice crack in the glass ceiling. I hope this paves the way for even more women to ascend to higher political office and maybe the US might have a woman President in its near future. Let's hope so, but it doesn't excuse the fact Palin is an unsuitable candidate for the Republican ticket.

The common argument is that Palin, being a governor, is better qualified to be President than Obama, a junior senator. That is a valid argument but one that has lost traction the longer the campaign has run when you examine their performances objectively. Obama is undoubtedly inexperienced, but he has surrounded himself with the experienced.

Joe Biden was a composed choice of running mate, and one measure of a president is the quality of the advisers they have around them. McCain's choice is barely more experienced than Obama, yet listening to her you wouldn't have thought so. Her lack of nous, as shown up in the few interviews she participated in, has not looked good.

But another question we should ponder is this: is there any value in experience? At first glance, of course. Experience allows an individual to better decide on a course of action that provides the best outcome. The feeling is, the more miles on your clock the better positioned you are to act rationally and make decisions.

In my view, experience is often overrated and in many cases it comes down to the individual. Someone can reach the age of 80 and you would assume they possess a wealth of experience, right? But what if that 80-year-old was stupid? Then they'd have a lifetime of stupidity to look back on. So in effect there would be no difference between a stupid 40-year-old and our stupid octogenarian. Except, of course, there is still time for the former to stop being stupid and start learning from experience.

Obama showed remarkable calmness when the economic crisis hit. McCain chose to suspend his campaign and rushed back to Washington to do absolutely nothing. As a senator, it wasn't as if he was the chair of any committee that could help, and by his own admission economics is not his strong suit. All he turned out to be was a super lobbyist on an issue that put him on shaky ground. Experience should have told him to play to his strengths, to not suspend his campaign to run around like a headless chicken, and to gather has much information as possible before acting. His actions were not those one would associate with experience.

For comparison, Obama showed that inexperience does not disqualify a candidate if that candidate is intelligent, calm, and prepared to listen to advice from better qualified individuals and then act accordingly. Remember, the President is not a dude by himself controlling everything with an awesome Playstation-like device. There are those dudes called secretaries of things like State, Treasury, Defence...

And the last word on the experience issue. What job, in the world, can prepare someone for the position of US President?

Joe the Plumber. This was a joke, right? Any moment now, Ashton Kutcher is going to jump out from behind a cunningly concealed shrub and say we've been punk'd. Honestly, what a frickin' laugh. The shameless grab for blue collar authenticity was deservedly lampooned and derided in equal measure. Joe isn't a registered plumber, he owes back taxes, and doesn't come close to making $250,000 a year so he'd actually be eligible for a tax cut under Obama's plan.

I guess that's why Joe's a plumber and not an accountant. Except he's not really a plumber at all; he's Johnny frickin' Cash, aiming for a Nashville contract. Or maybe today he's a spokesman for all us "plumbers". Maybe he just wants privacy and to be left alone please but he might like to join the McCain campaign and give rousing speeches so he should hire a publicist to look after his interests. The whole Joe deal wasn't funny and it wasn't authentic: it was pathetic.

So today is the day when the US decides who will lead them for the next four years. I hope Obama wins, but I would not be surprised if McCain turns out to be the winner. It may turn out that, if elected, McCain could be a fantastic commander-in-chief. I haven't seen anything during his campaign that would confirm that line of thought, but then millions of voters might have and we'll find out soon enough.

Why Tuesday?

2008-11-04T13:05:00.003-05:00

I never understood why the US Presidential Election was held on a Tuesday. It seemed to me that holding the election on a Tuesday disenfranchised citizens who would find it difficult to leave their work to wait in long lines and vote.

Now of course, some states have early voting [my wife voted last week at the local library, for example] so the responsibility to get out and vote early falls on the individual if they are unable to vote on election day.

However, in principle it behooves a democracy to provide the day for its citizens to vote be either on a weekend, or on a national holiday. Even little ol' New Zealand with its mighty population of 4 million has its general election on a weekend, and we rarely have less than 80% turnout of eligible voters. The weekend is good!

Anywho, I did a little digging and prying, as one would expect of a history major, and I came up with some wonderful news! Apparently, the US Presidential Elections are held in November because it best suited ... the farmers.

Apparently, farmers would be finished harvesting their crops around this time of the year and wouldn't have much else going on. So while they waited for winter's icey, frost-bitten hand to cup their collective scrotum, they figured, "Hey, I know what will kill some time: let's vote!"

But not so fast. Roads and transportation back in the olden days weren't like they are today [drivers were probably as bad, though]. It took time for the farmers to travel the land by horse and cart, so don't rush them, okay?

Right, so to begin we should factor in the time it took to travel to the polling station; once we've done that, factor in market days, which were usually in the middle of the week; and once you have those two factors, remember the Sabbath which could be anything from sunset Friday to sunset Saturday, or even all of Sunday.

So what do we have? Travel time + market days + religious observations means Tuesday was the best fit for the farmers. Which is fantastic if you're an agrarian society as the US largely was in the 19th century. However, if you'll allow me to slip into my Captain Obvious undies, it's pretty clear that in the 21st century the US is definitely not an agrarian society but a modern, heavily industrialised nation.

So where am I going with this? Well, as you know I'm a big fan of history, and the US is a society that cherishes and values its history and traditions so I don't mean to be stepping on anyone's toes when I say, what the fuck? Seriously, a Tuesday? It would be in the best interests of common sense for politicians to say, "You know what, I don't think we'd be doing the farmers a disservice it we switched election day to the weekend. In fact, I'd doubt they'd even notice."

History and tradition are important, but so is having the flexibility to alter traditions if they are anachronistic and do not reflect modern society. Having as many eligible voters rock up on election day is an essential ingredient in a healthy democracy. Holding an important election on a Tuesday is just silly!

Pen + Paper > Electronic Voting Machine

2008-11-04T12:45:00.002-05:00

Get your conspiracy helmets on, homies! Apparently there have been reports from battleground states that suggest, er, problems with electronic voting machines. Wow, really? Problems with voting machines in battlegound states.

And here I am [a regular naive Nelly!] thinking that there would be no problems at the polls in the world's premiere democracy. Next you're going to tell me Gore won the popular vote back in 2000 but narrowly lost the college thanks to the spectacular ineptitude of voting machines in West Palm Beach. Oh, wait.

Granted, the machines that buggered it for Gore back then were those punch-card thingies, but it still defies belief that this infatuation with voting machines holds sway. I understand that they're designed to speed up the process, but I always thought more polling stations and longer opening hours would help to alleviate that problem.

Seriously, a pen + a paper ballot is your key to voting nirvana. Put a tick in the box of your preferred candidate, pop the ballot in the box and Bob's your uncle. Right?

Looking Forward to Richard Dawkins's "The Imagination Delusion"?

2008-11-03T01:35:00.005-05:00

Not sure what to make of this article, particularly as the quotes seem to have been cobbled together without any sense of context.

However, I found his quote concerning magic where he stated, "I think it is anti-scientific" to be really, really dumb for an educated person. Well duh. Check out the big brain on Captain Obvious!

Still, I think I'll reserve comment at this juncture because there is a small, nagging suspicion that the Telegraph have not been forthcoming in the whole "context" department. Indeed, it would be terribly premature to start calling Professor Dawkins a Mr. Gradgrind, the wonderful Dickens creation who saw children as pitchers waiting to be filled with facts.

So we shall watch ... and wait ... and probably use our brain energy on more important things close to home. Like the election. Or our health. Stuff like that.

Spider Kitty

2008-10-30T14:29:00.003-04:00

We have a new cat; she's a sixth-month-old Ragdoll we've named Tula. As you can imagine, being a kitten means she's a precocious little furball with a tendency to get up to mischief. However, as she's so cute any indiscretion committed by her is swiftly forgiven.

Lately she has discovered that it is possible to scale the screen we have on our porch. I think she got the idea from watching the squirrels. However, while she's found it possible to go up, she seems to have no idea how to climb down. The rascally Ragdoll tends to hang there until someone carefully detaches her from the screen.

I took a quick snap of Tula during one of her climbs, although the flash didn't go off so I had to tweak the brightness a little. Here we are:

Home Sick

2008-10-30T14:20:00.006-04:00

Urgh, I feel like shit. I rarely take a sick day, but the past 48 hours have prompted me to take one otherwise I'd be buggered for the rest of the week.

I'm pretty sure it's just the 'flu; there have been plenty of people sneezing and slobbering throughout the store, so it's not surprising I've picked something up.

Basically what I've been doing is popping pills, resting my ass in bed, and taking a jaunt through the internet. I should be fine for work tomorrow as I have a closing shift. This means an extra long night of sleep to send those nasty 'flu bugs into retreat.

Soup is good, soup is great, soup tastes yum on my plate ... er, bowl.