Here Comes G4's Hurl!

It appears that reality TV is out of ideas. From that slapper Rebecca Loos masturbating a pig on British TV, to Fear Factor coercing competitors to eat anything from worms to rats in a blender, the ideas machine is kaput. Even Tila Tequila was reaching when she made her competitors eat a pig's vagina the other day. Wait a minute, gamy burnt-out vagina resembling retread on the side of the freeway ... that was Tila Tequila's vagina!

So what else is there for reality TV to do when there are no ideas left? G4 knows, and is quietly confident that it has cornered itself some uncharted charity and, like Daniel Plainview, it's going to drink that milkshake! It's going to drink it up, slurp!

What am I talking about? Vomit, or in the case of G4's new show, Hurl! Hurl! has apparently been "inspired" by the "outrageousness found on the viral web" and is "an entirely new type of competition". Ah-huh. From what I've discovered, competitors have various eating challenges that combine the consumption of vast meals with physical activity. The last person to spew wins!

If you're gonna spew, spew into this....

If reality TV has finally evolved to vomit competitions, then it can only be a matter of time before a network takes a ride down Semen Drive. I'm thinking of a potential game show called The Wanking Man. Yep, and it will come loaded with various events based around the humble wank. For example:

Wanking For Distance. Not as boring as one might think, especially if you set up a line of toy buses for the competitors to shoot over. Of course it might not be as exciting as Evel Knievel jumping a motorcycle over a shit load of real buses, but with some inspired camera work coupled with some nifty editing on the office copy of Final Cut Pro, it could really fly, homies.

Speed Wanking. Like the 100 metres final at the Olympics, this mad dash of member bashing would be the perfect climax to each episode.

Endurance Wanking. This would have to be time edited, naturally.

Volumetric Wanking. There would have to be a prostate handicap for some competitors as not all prostates are created equal. And ex-porn stars would have to suffer an even greater handicap as they're more proficient at milking their members than the average dude.

Sperm Count Wanking. This positively invites viewer participation as you could text your estimates to the show, eg: txt 343 if you think Cletus has a sperm count of four; txt 344 if you think Cletus has a sperm count of 19. You get the picture.

Ballistic Wanking. It would be tricky to set up a speed gun for this one, but G4 are the tech experts so I'm sure they could fiddle something together.

Sperm Wars: According to scientists, rival sperm will battle each other in the vagina for the right to fertilize some special girl's egg. It's actually quite strategic, with decoy running sperm, wide receiving sperm, acid-spitting sperm, and play-making sperm jostling about in their microscopic environment in a battle royale for world domination. The show could replicate these titanic struggles in a super-sized petri dish under a monsterous microscope. Last sperm standing wins!

That's probably the tip of the iceberg and I'm sure all you smarty pants could think of several more if I haven't put you off your breakfast by now.

And even though The Wanking Man seems far-fetched at this moment in time, with Hurl! G4 has raised -- or is that lowered? -- the bar. Anything is possible if you put your mind to it.

Jennifer Aniston on Flight of the Conchords?

Hm, I'm thinking ... no. That is not a good idea.

So hush little ones, don't get too upset. Think about it, the whole thing is probably nothing more than a name dropping rumor started by an excitable member of her posse who overheard Rachel squawking to her colonic tech that she thinks the "show is kinda funny with their weird Australian accents and all." Maybe.

A cock-teasy rumor like this is always good for both parties. It keeps Rachel relevant and in the news by linking her name with a cult show; and it's exposure for Flight of the Conchords as they gear up for their second season. Everyone suckles at the same teat!

Anywho, apparently the second season of FOTC is going to focus a little more on the friendly rivalry between Kiwis and Aussies. That's fine by me, any opportunity to make fun of our slow cousins who reside across the ditch is always welcome.

//Link// <<-- For the love of God, no!

Alien Invasion of Earth [Sponsored by Doritos]

As reported in New Scientist, Doritos [makers of artery-clogging corn snacks] have beamed an advert into space. Before we go any further, here is the advert in question:



The advert was broadcast from the EISCAT European Space Station in Svalbard, Norway. The advert was sent as an MPEG file coded in binary and pulsed toward a solar system in the Ursa Major constellation 42 light years from Earth. EISCAT received "an undisclosed donation" from Doritos for the use of their facility.

Hm, remember when messages from the human race sent into the cosmos were actually inspired? I'm thinking of the Voyager Golden Record that was attached to the two Voyager craft in the 1970s.

The phonograph contained images encoded in analogue form, and also contained the recorded greetings of over 50 distinct languages. It even included an eclectic range of music, from Chuck Berry's Johnny B. Goode to Beethoven. One of the messages was from US President Jimmy Carter [1977-1981] and part of it simply states:

"This is a present from a small, distant world, a token of our sounds, our science, our images, our music, our thoughts and our feelings. We are attempting to survive our time so we may live into yours. We hope someday, having solved the problems we face, to join a community of galactic civilizations. This record represents our hope and our determination, and our good will in a vast and awesome universe."

Of course the likelihood of any space faring civilization intercepting the Voyager probes [discounting V'ger...] is practically non-existent. Space is too big for a small probe to be grabbed and studied. But signals sent from radar arrays are like a "lighthouse beaming out of the solar system" according to the New Scientist story, and therefore more likely to be picked up.

So if something is more likely to be picked up by an alien civilization -- and assuming they have the technology to decode what we're sending -- does anyone think it's a good idea to send them adverts for Doritos? What would that advert say about us? That we've enslaved a race of corn people who are quite keen on sacrificing one of their own to the mouth of a giant human? Will a possé of Gorts come sailing into town to liberate the maize-derived snacks from their human oppressors? Or will an alien civilization look at us and decide rather than responding they'll ignore us completely and hope we go away.

Still, it could be worse. They could have beamed an episode of The Hills into space. Any alien civilization that is unfortunate enough to receive that piece of moldy afterbirth is guaranteed to sterilize this planet.

SFX's Top 100 Science Fiction Authors

Lists are interesting creatures. They seem to pop up in all sorts of places, ranking all sorts of mundane things. Lists tend to be great debate primers, sparking the most incendiary of discussions between mild and less-than-mild mannered peoples.

For example, it kills me that Citizen Kane tops every greatest film list in existence since 1941. Really? The film is certainly interesting, and Big Orson hits that mofo like it ain't no thing, but is it a better film than Kubrick's 2001? No, it's not. But then that would be my opinion, for what it's worth.

Obviously lists tend to be very subjective [yeah, what a cool word] and I'm very aware when making a list that I am judging the quality and worth of something based on my own internal reality ... and just between you and me, my internal reality is one scary place [as would yours be to someone else peaking around inside].

So when you see a list that's been compiled by an individual or duals that doesn't jive with your own opinions, one is likely to go, WTF! That's pretty much what I said when I saw SFX's Top 100 Science Fiction Authors.

For example, here's the top 10 according to the readers of SFX.

01 Terry Pratchett
02 JRR Tolkien
03 Neil Gaiman
04 Douglas Adams
05 George R.R. Martin
06 Issac Asimov
07 Iain M. Banks
08 Philip K. Dick
09 HG Wells
10 Robert Rankin

Now seeing as SFX is a British publication there is understandably going to be a bias toward authors from that particular region of the world. That's fine, parochial reasonings are expected when compiling these sorts of things. I would suspect the same list as compiled by readers of Asimov's, or Realms of Fantasy, would curve in favour of American writers. Perhaps.

But let's examine the top ten. Number one, Terry Pratchett. For my tastes, Pratchett is very hit and miss. Some of his novels are fantastic; yet others have often been a struggle to finish. Not his fault, entirely mine and all that. So while I respect his prolificacy in turning out a shed load of reads over the years [without the aid of a ghost writer, Mr James Patterson] there's nothing there that would be enough to place him at number one although I have no qualms with Pratchett in the top ten.

At number two we have Tolkien, and I might be inviting a lynching here but I would have dropped him a few places down the list. Because I'm dangerous. But seriously, meh. Yeah, meh to Mr Tolkien. Lord of the Rings is a chore to read and it takes ages to go anywhere. There's no sense of urgency and the songs piss me off, so there.

Number three is Neil Gaiman, and that is fair enough. Body of work is consistently high class, and if he had only ever written The Sandman that would have been enough to score a place in any top ten, whether it's comic books or literature.

Don't have any problem with Douglas Adams in the ten, but I wouldn't have scored him as high as #4. For this reader's tastes there are better writers below him that deserve to be higher, and that leads us to number five....

George R.R. Martin, possibly one of the best writers getting it on with pen and paper today. I would have been so bold as to rank him at number two. I didn't expect to see him pop up so high in this British-centric list, and I half expected to see JK Rowling's name in the SFX top ten at GRRM's expense [like the time Goblet of Fire beat A Storm of Swords for the Hugo, WTF!]. Actually, speaking of JK, I'm surprised she hasn't sued SFX for not placing her higher in their list ... but I jest! Please don't sue me.

Number Six is Asimov, which is cool. Seven is Iain M. Banks, and this position shows the list's British leanings. Banks is fine, but is definitely not tenworthy.

Number Eight is Philip K. Dick. For my weird mind, I would have PKD occupying the Big Cheese's chair at this table. PKD's body of work is amazing and his novels, particularly The Man in The High Castle, are the work of a fabulous mind that created surreal tapestries which are unlikely to be surpassed.

Numbers Nine and Ten is where this list gets really wobbly. HG Wells was a great writer and is rightly considered one of the fathers of modern science fiction, yet in all honesty I prefer the works of later writers when considering the make up of a top ten. And having never read anything by Rankin, I can't form an opinion about his writing.

So what would my Top Ten look like?

01 Philip K. Dick
02 George R.R. Martin
03 Neil Gaiman
04 Stephen King
05 Frank Herbert
06 Issac Asimov
07 Terry Pratchett
08 George Orwell
09 Arthur C. Clarke
10 Douglas Adams

There we go, not too dissimilar from the SFX list, and knowing how my brain works the ranking would have switched by this time tomorrow and someone else will be occupying the Big Cheese's Chair. Or maybe I have yet to read something by a writer who isn't even featured in the Top 100; something so fantastic that it completely alters my opinion of who is the best writer. Heh, that's lists for you.

Lupe Brown by The Fratellis

Lupe Brown is by far the best song from Here We Stand, the second album by The Fratellis. In much the same way Henrietta and Chelsea Dagger stood head and shoulders above the other material on their debut, Lupe Brown sticks happily to your ears long after your iPod is stored safely away. Indeed, it positively rattles around one's skull even as the car stereo is switched off and one traipses forlornly across the parking lot to earn the daily bread.

Lupe Brown kicks along in a high tempo and possesses a spirit that is nothing but pure balls to the wall rock and roll. It even has some cheeky lyrics thrown in, like this gem: Well your girlfriend made me itch/And though I'll keep you in mind I would be happy to switch.

Some uncharitable soul described The Fratellis as a pub rock band, which is certainly doing the band a massive disservice. While their music wouldn't be out of place in a pub, the band should be held in higher regard than your average lager-swilling piece.

The Fratellis definitely won't get the same praise bestowed upon them like other over-hyped bands [I speak of the Arctic Monkeys here] and while it's a minor grumble that's just the way it goes sometimes. However, I'm sure if you decide to give them a listen you won't be disappointed. It's good shit, boys and girls.

Here's a fan made video of the song. There's no official video that I'm aware of, but I do believe that it will be the second single from the album.

OMG! The All Blacks Won?!

It'll still take a shit load of water under the very large bridge before I'll fully get over the gut-punch that was last year's 1/4 final against the French, but the best tonic for any sporting ailment is to win.

The first up win against Ireland a fortnight ago was expected, even with the Wellington weather putting on an ice storm for the entirety of the match. Ireland haven't beaten us in 109 years of trying and they weren't about to change that stat 12,000 miles away from Dublin.

So that left England as the first serious test of the year, and to be honest they were rather crap. Their forwards were competitive for the first 20 minutes but after conceding a try, they dropped off and were easy pickings.

However, the All Blacks should have put another 30 points on them and even though a 37-20 win is nice, the game was hardly a classic and I'm not sure why some journalists in New Zealand were wetting their undies over the performance. This dude was obviously pumped on too much sugar when he shot love juice all over his keyboard: Relax big guy, it was nothing more than an adequate performance against an inadequate opponent. The real test will be against the Aussies and the South Africans later in the year.

Still, there's nothing like winning to build confidence and surely the brief for the team is to win first and then let the elements of what is essentially a new All Blacks team fall into place.

I expect this week's second test to be a much closer affair, which would certainly go someway to preparing the team for the Tri-Nations. And hey, since I have the weekend off I won't fall asleep in front of the couch at 3am like I did last weekend. Awesome.

Here's some highlights of last week's game.

Chris Knox & The Heineken Ad

Chris Knox pops up in places one might not expect, particularly if you know who Chris Knox is. For those of you who don't, Knox is a musician from New Zealand who has made some great indie/punk music, especially with indie label Flying Nun.

His catchy song, It's Love, is being featured in a Heineken ad here in the US and has proven to be quite popular. The song is also featured in this week's Entertainment Weekly [the one with Angelina Jolly on the cover] in their segment, What's That Song? [p. 67. if you have the mag handy].

Here's the ad:

Pam's Full Beams Helped Score Baywatch Gig?

Well this is quite the revelation. Um, nah it's not really. I mean, would you have turned down Pam circa 1992 if you were a casting director looking for some fresh talent to inject into Baywatch? I didn't think so!

So even though we appreciate Pam's confession that she ditched the bra prior to meeting with the Baywatch suits, I'm pretty sure she had the job sewn up regardless.

Incidentally, did you know that the Baywatch spinoff show, Baywatch Nights, lasted for 44 episodes? 44! I thought the whole enterprise was snuffed out after a generous dozen or so owing to its quality being of the shit variety. Seriously, The Hoff as a private detective? And then the switch to a science fiction/paranormal flavour because The X-Files was in vogue? Pfft.

Carry on.

Napoleon Complex and Bald? Taking One in The Balls From Nature

Every so often we get this grumpy dude in the store. He's an angry bastard, and no matter how polite you are with him he's always aggressive in his manner. It's as if he's pissed at us for having the temerity to be pleasant in our place of work.

He popped in again today, wound up and pensive like a man with a bad case of the squirts who's desperately trying to keep his sphincter together lest his colon belch itself silly. And while I had the misfortune to serve his surly self, an epiphany came strolling into my head: Of course he's angry! He's bald and has an extreme Napoleon Complex, aka the Short Man Syndrome.

It all makes sense now, and while some scientists have tried their level best to debunk the Napoleon Complex, it seems whenever I have an encounter with an angry dude they're a real short arse and obviously feel the need to compensate for their lack of height. Throwing baldness into the mix was really mean, nature.

Poor bastard, I almost feel sorry for him now. Tell you what, when I see him next time I'll just pat him on the head and smile sadly in my best impression of empathy. I think he'll appreciate it.

Google's New Favicon

Hey, would you look at that. Google gone and changed its favicon. According to the Google Blog, the reason behind the change was to "develop a set of icons that would scale better to new platforms like the iPhone and other mobile devices."

Well that certainly sounds fair enough, don't you think. Google will get no protest from me as I think their new favicon looks lovely. It's modern, funky, and if our computer was equipped with smell-o-vision I imagine its scent would be reminiscent of fresh wildflowers in a forest glen. Or something like that.

New! Funky! Different! Scales Better!

Will James McAvoy Play Bilbo Baggins?

When it was announced that there would be two new Lord of the Rings movies, my wife and I [like many fantasy geeks around the world] were discussing who would direct the films and who would play Bilbo Baggins.

My wish was to have either Guillermo del Toro or Alfonso Cuarón sit in the director's chair, and to have James McAvoy play Bilbo Baggins. It seems there were several million people who had the same thoughts, as del Toro is now the confirmed director while TheOneRing.net's preferred casting poll has McAvoy leading by some margin, with his closest competitor, Martin Freeman, a distant second.

So for now we're Bilbo-less and while Guillermo del Toro hasn't made any specific announcements regarding the role, he did say to IGN recently that they "will try to give that casting news as a Christmas gift."

Hopefully it will be McAvoy, as I can't imagine any other actor [besides Ian Holm, of course] being perfect for the part.

//Link// <<-- IGN.

Everything Old is New, And Everything Made is re-Made.

Proving the theory that Hollywood is bereft of original ideas and is perfectly content to trawl its archives for material to remake, we are given the opportunity to see Keira Knightley as Eliza Doolitle in a new version of My Fair Lady. What the deuce!

Apparently the film isn't going to be a modern update, which might have been interesting, but will take place in the original setting and use the original score. However, there is an understanding that the film will delve into George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion to "dramatise the emotional highs and lows" of Eliza as she "undergoes the ultimate metamorphosis" under the unrelenting tutelage of Stewie Griffin.


//Link// <<-- Empire mag.

Ron Jeremy Pissed At His Ghostwriter

It appears that porn star Ron Jeremy [aka Jizz Master Zero] wasn't entirely satisfied with the outcome of his autobiography, The Hardest (Working) Man in Showbiz.

According to Ron, his ghostwriter Eric Spitznagel got all sorts of shit "wrong" and caused the project to be delayed, resulting in the publisher, HaperCollins, having to fly in a team of fluffers to keep the project erect.

Ron also laments that Jenna Jameson's book was ghostwritten by Neil Strauss, while his wasn't. Yeah, that's a real bummer there, dude. Maybe James Patterson could have lent you one of his ghostwriters from his personal stash?

Now is any self-respecting ghostwriter going to take that burn lying down? Nope, because Spitznagel hit back in an email to Reverse Cowgirl where he lifts the veil of secrecy and gives us a perve at the creative process Ron and himself went through. An excerpt follows:

Ron: "Every page is about sex, sex, sex. Why does it all have to be about sex?"

Spitznagel: "Well, you're a porn star. I'm pretty sure that's what people are expecting."

Ron: "What about my work with PETA. Can't we include a chapter about that?"

Spitznagel: "Unless you fucked a sheep, I don't think anyone cares."

Burn and counter-burn. And of course the dude is correct, an autobiography about a porn star lacks relevance once the material leaves the lube-stained world of gangbangs and money shots. I'm sure celebs do wonderful work with PETA and various other worthy charadees, but does that make for an interesting story?

//Link// <<-- From New York mag

Auckland As The Capital? LOL!

That's the funniest shit I've heard all day. Seriously, move the capital from Wellington to Auckland? Thanks Mayor Bob Harvey of Waitakere City for that super suggestion. You are one funny mofo, esé!

Just between you and me, I think there are far more important issues to consider than one man's personal fantasy, don't you? You know, shit like the price of petrol, the availability of food and electricity, the cost of housing, and the outcome of this season's So You Think You Can Dance?

Let us hear no more of this poppycock, homies. Oh, and before we sign off could someone pass a note to Bob's nurse to increase his medication? Thanks.

//Link// <<-- Yeah, right.

Goths Get It On in Church

Apparently an Italian couple were busted by the fuzz while engaging in oral delights in a church confessional. The couple, both Goths, maintained they were atheists and defended their naughty interloping by saying that doing it in a church is "like doing it in any other place."

Obviously the church dudes thought otherwise and will be performing a purification ceremony to cleanse the confessional of any lingering fluid.

And seeing as the Goths are atheists it's unlikely they will be attending confession to confess cunnilingus in the confessional. Think about it.

//Link// <<-- Stuff.

The Simpsons Cliff Falls

In honour of our recent trip to Universal Movie World and a spin on The Simpsons ride [more on that later] I've decided to embed one of my favourite clips from the show. It's freakin' hilarious.

New Banner

So I'm back with a new banner and some of you might be wondering what the Salvador Dalí painting I have used is called.



Well, since you asked so nicely, the painting is a 1944 piece called Dream Caused by the Flight of a Bee around a Pomegranate a Second Before Awakening, and according to Wikipedia the style is surrealist. And Wikipedia is seldom wrong....

I think it's a fantastically cool piece of art, one that we first saw in the Joseph Campbell lecture DVD, Mythos, and for me it's probably the best expression of dreams that I've seen to date. It really is all that and a packet of chips, girlfriend.

Of course, you would have noticed that I've slightly defaced the artwork in the banner by fiddling about with the filter thingy in photoshop. Yeah, I'm a slave to the filter so apologies to the art police out there.

Warning: Contains Monster Elephallus

It appears I have far too much time on my hands today. And yes, this is pretty juvenile but when an opportunity to create a naughty picture presents itself I find it difficult to pass up.