The Mormon Vote Is Powerful

So powerful that once mobilised it can keep someone like Adam Carolla, a douche of monumental proportions, alive on the latest season of Dancing With The Stars.

What? Yeah, that's right -- I watch Dancing With The Stars. There, I admitted it. Oh, really? No I don't think I'm being uncharitable when I describe Adam Carolla as a douche of monumental proportions; actually, I'm being quite charitable because you should have read what I called him in the first draft!

Anywho, we are getting sidetracked as this isn't a post about Mr. Mega Douche but about my theory of the Mormon vote keeping dancers around past their expiration date. We saw it last season with Marie Osmond and, while I do not dismiss Julianne Hough's undoubted class on the dance floor, if there were any justice in the world she should have said sayonara tonight along with that stool sample she's been paired with.

Instead, Penn Jillete has been shown the door [which might have had something to do with his inability to shut the fuck up whenever a microphone was within ten feet of his mouth] and we get to watch Julianne and her thing for another week. Terrific.

"When Julianne and I win Dancing With The Stars the world will shudder and know my greatness!"

It all leads me to believe that Julianne could be paired with anyone, even Satan, the Prince of Darkness, and the Mormon vote would keep her in the competition. Well, maybe not Satan as that's probably pushing it, but Kim Jong-il in his platform shoes, perhaps? Hm, one never knows -- maybe the ABC Brains are working on it as the rest of the world sleeps....

Timmy's Just As Licky As Ever. [Famous Five reBoot]

Wizard! The Famous Five have returned. Er, well, to tell you the truth I wasn't much into the Famous Five as a child so I'm not fussed one way or the other. To be perfectly honest I could never finish one of the books and might have once described the series as a pile of moldy bollocks [a touch uncharitable, perhaps].



However, what's piqued my interest has been the reaction to Disney's reimagined animated series. Indeed, trawling through the comments sections in various newspapers I've noticed a few pained howls of "ruined my childhood", and "teabagged my childhood", and "donkey-punched my childhood", etc etc.

Yeah, people do get awfully attached to these types of things and whenever there is an attempt to reimagine something that is old and dusty then it's indignation time. Some fans of Battlestar Galactica got their knickers in a right twist when the Sci-Fi Channel reimagined the disco-themed 1970s version into something more, um, better in 2003. The miffed nerds decided to boycott the show and a few even reincarnated themselves as trolls on various boards across the interwebz.¹

It's probably stating the obvious when I suggest that something reimagined doesn't alter the previous version of a story. That story still exists, and in the case of Enid Blyton's Famous Five novels, the new series is not going to rewrite the words on the pages of the books. I promise; pop over to your collection after the first episode and you'll see lashings of ginger beer being consumed and Timmy licking George inappropriately within the pages.

The existence of a new version does not threaten the old version. It should be allowed to succeed or fail on it's own terms and you never know, a whole new generation of readers might look at the new series and decide to check out the works that came before it. Wouldn't that be wizard?

So just chill, homies. After all it's just the Famous fuckin' Five, sheesh.


¹One should never feed a troll, children. They feed on the unwary and are always hungry. The best way to kill a troll is to ignore it. Left to it's own devices, it will consume itself.

Spring Cleaning

Just playing around with the blog today; I made a new title image in Photoshop using an illustration by Alvim Corréa from the 1906 French edition of The War of the Worlds.

I'm not sure if I'll keep this template, although I'm pretty certain I'll keep the title image. The font was downloaded from Blambot and is called 10¢ Soviet.

Funky Watch Has Binary Function!

This is probably one of the coolest watches I've seen for some time. The Tibida, made by Tokyoflash, uses 42 white LEDS in its design and offers the user three different functions for telling the time: hour-centric, minute-centric, and binary.

That's just so frickin' cool and I must have one.

//Link// <<-- Tells you more about it.

Arthur C. Clarke

Arthur C. Clarke the brilliant writer most well-known for 2001: A Space Odyssey died today in Sri Lanka at the age of 90.

Clarke was the last of the so-called "Big Three" science fiction writers, having outlived Robert Heinlein and Isaac Asimov. He was a prolific and inventive writer, one whose prophecies contained within his fiction often became fact.

90 years of inspiration and creativity coupled with a phenomenal imagination was undoubtedly a good innings.

Dune Heading to The Big Screen

Variety have informed The World that Paramount have been busy hording spice in order to fund a new adaptation of Frank Herbert's Dune.

This will be the third visual adaptation of the book, the first of which was made by none other than David Lynch. That particular film, released in 1984, was derided by critics but it's actually not that bad and it even stars Sting, fresh from the success of Synchroncity, as the not-so-lovely Feyd.

The next version was made by the Sci-Fi Channel in 2000 as an epic mini-series. It wasn't that flash but it was a worthy attempt to film what many would consider unfilmable. The book is far too complex and there is too much going on within the story [plots within plots] that can be boiled down into a two hour film. Unless one had actually read the novel, the end result would be [and was] confusing.

However, I'll be there lining up for my ticket when it's released. Dune is one of my favourite novels, and I'm very curious to see how Paramount will go about adapting it. You never know, they might succeed and make the unfilmable....

Getting Closer to A Dance With Dragons

I've gabbed several times on this blog about the brilliance of George R.R. Martin's A Song of Ice And Fire series, so I'll refrain from rehashing how super awesome it is. I will also stop myself from mentioning that if you haven't you really ought to have. Read it, that is.

However, I will mention that the cover for the next installment, A Dance With Dragons, has been set and now all we're waiting for is Martin to hopefully deliver the ms to his editors "before the end of June". If he can get it done by then, Martin suggests the book might be ready to go on sale this Autumn [Spring, if you're Down Under.]

//Link// <<-- Entry from Martin's blog.

Biometrically Speaking

Last Friday Diane and I took a drive down to Davie [a city next to Fort Lauderdale] as I had an appointment at the Immigration Support Center. It was all terribly exciting as I had my fingerprints scanned by this complicated computer thingy; I confounded the technician with my mutant prints that didn't seem to match up with the prints they have of me on file, d'oh!

But he got them to jive, and the last thing the ISC required was a stool sample. Actually, I'm joking about the poo poo, but they did need to take my picture. I had to hunker down slightly as the camera wasn't positioned so well [it ended up pointing at my chestular region] for taller people. Naturally my picture came out looking like a police mugshot so no surprise there, although I think mine looks better than Nick Nolte's or Mel Gibson's....

I'm pretty sure this was the penultimate appointment with the immigration dudes before I get my passport stamped with a green card. I'm looking forward to that, as from then on I'd only ever need to have it renewed every ten years.

One step closer, homies.

Oscars a Snore Fest?

Now that it's been a week since the Oscars were handed out to pretty much everyone who was favoured to win in their categories, it's time to devote 2½ minutes of thought on the question posed in the title. Your time starts ... now.

Okay, have your answers ready? I hope you didn't copy your neighbour's answers. Anywho, I thought the Oscars were perfectly fine. It's possible the low ratings were due to viewer indifference concerning the nominated films. After all, most of the films nominated spent more money on marketing than they actually made at the box office [!?]. And let's face it homies, the winners were telegraphed as soon as the nominations were announced, so there was no chance of an upset or two to keep things spicy.

Jon Stewart was an excellent host but then I'm biased as I like Jon Stewart and dig The Daily Show, so there. Maybe next year they could wheel out Regis so the old folks stay up past their bed time to watch and hopefully pad the viewing figures. But you know what? Fuck the viewing figures. Of course the producers would disagree as viewers = revenue, so they're likely to give a fuck or two. Eh, can't please everyone.

So yes, the Oscars were good and my arse did not go to sleep like previous years, so that has to be a good thing.

So I'm Reading Stephen King's The Mist

And I'm at the part where some idiots have stubbornly ventured from the relative safety of the Kwik-E-Mart and out into the mist. It's not long until they're devoured by a hungry, tentacled thingy or thingies.

So far so cool, and I couldn't help but ponder Stephen King's flair when dispensing with idiots in his stories. Here you are, reading one of his books and there's a couple of characters who are acting like total douches so you think to yourself, Oh why don't you just fuck off and get eaten by a hungry, tentacled thingy, and the King happily obliges. It's very reassuring.

Oh, and as you can see I'm also reading Richard Laymon's Savage. Seeing as The Mist is only a novella I figured I could fit it in between my Savage reading.

What's a Househusband To Do? Make Hummus, Of Course!

Well, technically I'm not a househusband. I work hard for my money, so hard for my money down at the local Barnes & Noble.

But I fancy myself as a househusband; I imagine I would cheerfully go about my day doing fun things like the laundry, running errands, hoovering the floor, et al. Wifey wouldn't be too impressed that Richard got to stay at home all day, but once she tastes the delicious hummus I made she might change her mind! There's plenty more hummus where that came from, and maybe some pesto if you're lucky.

But anyway, the recipe for the hummus came out of the very fine vegan cookbook, Veganomicon. The cookbook, compiled by Isa Chandra Moskowitz and Terry Hope Romero, contains all sorts of tasty goodies for you to eat without meat. The other night we made this kale and potato stuffed enchiladas recipe from the book and it's probably one of the best enchilada recipes I've ever tasted. Mm, potatoes.

So that's what I did today; made me some hummus. Work tomorrow, 11am-8pm. Cool.

Who Gives A Fuck About an Oxford Comma?

I didn't think it would be possible for a band to make a hook from a rule of style, but Vampire Weekend managed to pull it off.¹

I doubt they'll be making any more hooks of a similar vein, but I look forward to them dazzling us with, "Who gives a fuck about a split infinitive?"

Vampire Weekend were recently named as one of the ten best new acts to watch in 2008 by Q, and it's easy to see why. They've immediately tucked themselves into a quiet corner of their own making with catchy lyrics and an African-influenced rhythm section that separates them from every other New York band.

If you haven't checked them out yet, I suggest you do so this minute. You'll be taken by the immediacy of the music, the aforementioned African beats and the subtle sprinkling of ska that produces a positive vibe for your sound holes.

Best tracks? Pretty much all of them, but I have a soft spot for Mansford Roof, M79, and A-Punk. Did you see the Oxford comma? ;-)

//Link// <<-- Vampire Weekend's webhome.


¹ "In a series of three or more terms with a single conjunction, use a comma after each term except the last."

So says Strunk & White in their very handy work, The Elements of Style. Usually I try and follow the two style gurus as the Oxford comma [commonly known as the serial comma] does help to remove ambiguity.

But sometimes a series of terms is so obvious that it would be impossible to add ambiguity if you tried; in those situations I trust the intelligence of the reader to figure it out. I really do live on the wild side....

Watchmen's Nite Owl

It's one year until the cinematic version of Watchmen hits the screen so to whet our collective appetites the official site has thrown up a few character images, specifically The Comedian, Ozymandias, Silk Spectre, Rorschach and Nite Owl.

It looks as though Zack Snyder is investing the same care and attention to Watchmen as he did to 300, so I for one can't wait to see it. Here's the pic of Nite Owl.


//Link// <<-- Official Watchmen site.

In Case of Rapture, This Blog Will Be Postless

While driving home this evening I couldn't help but notice the bumper sticker of the car in front of me. It read: In Case of Rapture, This Vehicle Will Be Unmanned.

"Hm," I said, turning to my wife. "He's rather confident." My wife laughed and said he's confident because he believes that he's been "saved by Jesus."

"Ah," I replied. "Which means the rest of us will be Left Behind with Kirk Cameron. Great."

Apparently there are many people who believe in the Rapture, not that there's anything wrong with that. However, if the Rapture's imminent and Big J is descending Earthside with a posse of angels, Jim Morrison, and a naked Indian, then shouldn't you be in a church rather than driving around town? Or is the Rapture one of those unannounced events, like getting called by a telemarketer in the middle of dinner.

However, if you're certain the Rapture party is about to hit and all of the prophecies have been fulfilled, then one should never mix salvation with driving. What if your flaming, unmanned vehicle veers off the road into a mass of sinners? What if a sinner [or ers] dies as a result, does that mean you become unsaved because you committed manslaughter? Hm, interesting.

Pork Is The Meat of Kings!

I haven't been to Weebl's Stuff for quite a few months. I was always partial to Magical Trevor, a catchy little flashtoon that Diane sent to me via an email link way back in 2004 while I was finishing my degree. The Badgers toons were also pretty cool if you can put up with the nonsense lyrics on a never-ending loop.

So on a whim I headed on over tonight and snooped through their toons section to see what new wackiness they had come up with. My snooping paid off as I found a fine little song and image piece devoted to pork.

Video Too Crazy For MTV?

What's wrong with that title? Oh, right -- it's the implied belief that MTV actually plays music videos, zing!

I haven't seen a music video on the US MTV networks since I've been living in the States. It's probably because I don't watch TRL, but for a network billing itself as music television the lack of actual music means "MTV" is nothing more than a misnomer. They should rebrand themselves as RTV, owing to the glut of reality shows [anyone catch A Shot of Clap With Tila Tequila? Me neither].

Anyway, the reason for this post is not to bitch about reality shows but to let you know that MTV have decided Gnarls Barkley's new video for the single Run cannot play on MTV [irony!] owing to its strobe effects failing something called the Harding Test.

A quick wikicheck tells me that the Harding Test, a flash and pattern analyser, was developed by Professor Graham Harding and is an aid used by the television industry to determine whether any video images are of the sort to trigger epileptic seizures by photosensitive individuals. Wikipedia also goes on to state that Professor Harding invented the slinky, dental floss, and once dated Jane Fonda [knitting her first pair of leg warmers] before she met Ted Turner. He also has secret shares in KFC while pretending to be a vegetarian.¹

Here's a look at the video in full with the flashy bits left in. If you're prone to seizures you might want to avoid watching.



Yeah, it's pretty strobey at the end there, so I'm sure they'll have to tidy those up. Mind you, it's not nearly as compelling as the Hypnotoad....



All glory to the Hypnotoad!


¹ Actually, Professor Harding doesn't have a Wikipedia entry. I made that all up with the power of my mind. When you think about it, my fabrication isn't too dissimilar from a standard Wikipedia entry after all ... a bit of fact, a slice of fiction, makes life interesting, no?

From The Darkest Corners of the Fridge

Day off today so I decided to clean out the fridge. I had been putting it off for ... a while, and so had wifey. It was only when some green, mutating entity that might have once been a vegetable mugged me for my wallet that I decided enough was enough. It was time to get medieval on the fridge's ass.

So your author did, and I must say I was sensational. Nothing rank or rankish was spared, and no mercy was shown. One of those red recycling buckets was filled to the brim with a vast collection of bottles and jars.

Yep, did my bit for Mother Terra and I can only hope the recyclable material contributed helps reduce my carbon footprint. Which really isn't that big to begin with, more a slight carbon depression than an actual footprint. Not like Al Gore's foot, fuck -- what'ya reckon his carbon footprint is? I know he's into the environment, but those private jets ain't sucking soy bean oil if you know what I mean. Think about it.

Show Me The Royalties!

Where there's a hit there's a writ is an old cliché in the music industry where getting shafted by the suits is part and parcel of the party.

In the film industry we've seen that with the squabbling over profits from The Lord of the Rings and most recently with Deborah Gregory, creator of the Cheetah Girls series. Gregory bitch-slapped the Disney company because she signed a contract that promised her a percentage of the net profits and found out there was no net thanks to a tidy spot of Hollywood accounting by the Mouse's bean counters.

So it comes as no surprise that Linda Perry [formally of 4 Non Blondes fame and a hit-making songwriter] has filed a suit against Warner Music Group over profits owing from James Blunt's debut album, Back to Bedlam.

Perry was the producer of Blunt's album and signed him to her label, Custard, in 2003. When she brought his record to Atlantic [part of the WMG stable] they reportedly showed "a lack of support" at first.

However, as the album started to suck in money [on the back of single You're Beautiful] like a black hole sucks in, well, anything, Blunt's management wanted a greater share of the bling. Atlantic acquiesced, but decided to reduce Custard's percentage of the royalties and made no cuts from their own take which, of course, brings us to the courtroom.

Just another day in the entertainment world, dudes.