A Vagina Couch Really Ties a Room Together

Wifey found this listing for a fully upholstered vagina couch on the interwebz and decided to send it my way.

I'd have to say a lot of thought has gone into the design aesthetics of the vagina couch, particularly in the way the different shades of pink compliment each other. I'm also fond of the comfy looking clit cushion the couch maker has added. Snuggly.

I'm sure having one of these in your living room would be a real conversation piece at your next fondue get together.

//Link// <<-- craigslist listing.

Oh, I'm 30. Fuck.

Is it the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning? Or perhaps it's just another day and the whole deal with turning 30 is a throwback to those ancient times where life expectancy was something crazy, like 19.

Who knows? I don't feel 30, so I guess age really is relative to how one feels about oneself. Maybe not thinking too hard about it is the best course of action to take.

Off to Disney tomorrow for four days of fun and frivolity with Mickey and his crew, excitement plus! I'm looking forward to getting reacquainted with Downtown Disney and all the cool things they have there. Can't wait to go to Epcot, either, and throw up on Mission: Space. Good times.

Giuliani Says Florida is a "Microcosm" of The US.

I don't know what Rudy's been smoking, but the only way Florida could be considered a microcosm of the country is if the US was a mega banana republic. Seriously, if the rest of the US is like Florida then it's time to move to Canadia, homies. Florida is a tropical retirement home for superannuated New Yorkers who do nothing but bitch and whine and that's the only reason Rudy is down here sniffing after their votes.

Rudy also went on to say that Florida was the "state that determined our president in the year 2000". No shit bro, I think that was Al Gore. Oh, wait....

Here's what Colbert had to say about it last night.

Just Another Day in The Trailer Park

Weird happenings near Tauranga. A father has been convicted of assault with a blunt instrument and reckless driving while disqualified after he tried to run over his son with an automobile. The father has been remanded on bail to appear for sentencing in late February.

So why did Daddy try to run over Sonny? Because Sonny called Daddy a paedophile. Oh, and why did Sonny call Daddy a paedophile? Because Daddy knocked up Sonny's 18 year old girlfriend.

Now if that isn't a trailer park love triangle I don't know what is.

[Link] <<-- Story from Stuff.co.nz

Pizza The Hutt

There hasn't been much of anything worth watching on the gogglebox lately, but wifey and I took in a viewing of History of the World Part I tonight and it was worth a few chuckles, particularly the giant joint in the Rome portion.

Mel Brooks's humour can often be hit or miss but when he does hit it's very memorable, particularly in films like Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein. One of the first Brooks films I ever saw was Spaceballs, and I enjoyed it so much my parents ordered the movie adaptation from the Scholastic book club [along with the adaptation of Superman IV: The Quest For Peace, which wasn't so flash].¹

The most memorable character from Spaceballs for me was Pizza the Hutt, a character so demented and disgusting it could only have come from the mind of Mel Brooks. What was even more hilariously vile was the revelation that Pizza the Hutt eats himself to death. Here's a video of Pizza the Hutt that you might enjoy:

¹ I think it was from the club above Arrow. I was never a fan of the books on offer from the Arrow club and I often looked on with envy at the books the older kids were able to order. Damn you recommended reading age!

Get Off The Bloody Plane! [And Thanks For Choosing Pacific Blue]

Odd story from Oz. It seems Pacific Blue's flight from Melbourne to Christchurch needed to bow to aviation safety regulations and shed 13 passengers when a crew member was unable to fly due to illness.

At first the crew asked for volunteers, but none came forward. So the crew decided to form a possé and round up the stand-by passengers, showing them the door with a hearty "bah-bye!" One girl tried to hide out, but the possé declared, "If you're hiding we'll track you down." After the fugitive was ejected, the flight still had to shed extra bodies. It was at this point the crew moved seamlessly into cajole mode, offering free flights to people if they accepted a rescheduled flight to Christchurch.

Passengers dug in their heels, and things got desperate with the possé stalking the cabin trying to pick out people who they believed were late comers, while the pilot said if he didn't have any more volunteers everyone would be ejected and he would fly an empty plane to New Zealand. Needless to say the happy flight did take off, minus 13 passengers.

Dudes, that just sounds surreal -- I have no idea what I would do in a situation like that. If we weren't desperate to fly, then the free flight and a rescheduled flight would be a reasonable exchange. But if we needed to be home or to our destination that day? Like many of the passengers on the flight I'd probably dig my heels in, too.

[Link] <<-- Story on Stuff.co.nz

Testing Anti-Social Children.

The New Zealand government thinks it might have a solution in identifying and treating anti-social behaviour in children before they become violent adolescents.

Simply put, children between the ages of three and seven that display repeated naughty behaviour [beyond the scope of typical tantrums] will be vetted under a new initiative that also proposes training for teachers and new parents. Getting the parents involved early is a good thing because many parents today are so useless they should have their sperm and eggs impounded before they screw society up any further. But I digress....

Many think this is social engineering by the government, further diminishing the boundary between the State and private life. Absolutely it is. And it's absolutely necessary.

I expected the council for civil liberties to be appalled at this notion, any other reaction would be weird. And while civil liberties are a fundamental foundation of any democracy, civil libertarians are usually too wound up with protecting the rights of everyone they end up protecting the rights of none. It's like someone being so bent they're straight, which would be quite funny if they weren't so serious about saving us from the big bad government.

If you cast your mind back to your early childhood, you might recall some utter bastards in your classroom. People tend to reminisce childhood with the aid of the Biggest Rosey Spectacles you ever saw, pretending it was a Candy Land of Fun with rainbow cupcakes to eat and sparkles in our hair. But if you're honest, childhood was often a right pain in the arse. I recall a few people who were bastards inside the classroom who went on to be bastards outside the classroom before ending up incarcerated for old staples like burglary and GBH. One kid I went to school with eons ago even broke into a bookstore and decided to masturbate over an issue of Penthouse. We know this because he was caught on the security camera which means pretty much the whole town knew about it.

Those children who grew up to be violent offenders and masturbatory burglars are now citizens with criminal records; is it possible that their anti-social behaviour might have been identified and caught in the cradle? Maybe, maybe not: but sometimes prevention is often better than the cure, particularly if the cure involves prison time resulting from a crime. We talk about civil liberties, but what about the civil liberty of the victim? Doesn't society deserve better?

From reading the responses to the initiative in the NZ Herald forums, it seems this plan has split people right down the middle. Many for and against arguments are quite reasoned and sensible, but many of the comments are of the hysterical type about political correctness gone wrong and 1984 coming to fruition [yawn]. Some writers also suggest that parents should be vetted, and that is a great suggestion. But how do you vet parents? You start with a child who's a bastard and work backwards to the parents.

The plan sounds fascinating and it may or may not work. I imagine it's success would be measured as a gradual reduction of crime rates and prison populations; it's failure would be the opposite. Therefore, it will probably take a generation before we see any positive or negative figures from this measure. But I am much in favour of trying this now instead of doing whatever the fuck it is we've been doing up until today, because that shit ain't working, bro.

[Link] <<-- New Zealand Herald article.

[Link] <<-- Read the feedback!

Liam Finn's Solo Album Finally Hits US

For the past few months I've been waiting patiently for Liam Finn's debut solo album, I'll Be Lightning, to arrive Stateside. It was released in NZ last July, and from what videos I had seen on YouTube, it sounded fantastic. Now that I've received my very own copy courtesy of work I can confidently confirm its excellenceness.

My favourite track thus far is Second Chance, a haunting little number that has an irresistible beat that carries you through the song like a passenger through someone's memories. Great stuff, and on a far more mature scale than anything he did with his band, Betchadupa. If he continues to churn out material this good he'll go some way toward being as renowned as his Dad and uncle.

I think it's also on iTunes, but I'd try and find it at the record store as it's quite nice to still buy a real album every so often.

The Buck-Toothed Shark From Strange Wilderness

This portion of the Strange Wilderness trailer only lasts for 30 seconds, but it has three hilarious parts. The hemispheres bit, the Nicole Richie bit, and the buck-toothed shark bit. Classic.

Not A Good Idea To Taunt a Tiger

Cats, either big or small, don't like to be taunted. They know when you're fucking with them and they'll take a piece of you to prove it. The trouble is, the bigger the cat the bigger the piece.

It comes as no surprise to discover that a survivor of the tiger attack in the San Francisco zoo on Christmas Day has reportedly admitted to taunting the tiger prior to it scaling a wall to get medieval on his arse, mauling his buddy to death in the process.

I've always believed it's never wise to taunt something that can kill you with its bare teeth, no matter how safe you think you might be. My wife and I watched with dismay on a trip to Animal Kingdom last year when a young child ducked under a barrier and started banging on the viewing glass, taunting a tiger that was sitting on the other side. All that separated the kid from being a mid-morning snack was a pane of glass. Mum and Dad were oblivious to the child's activity [confirming my pet theory that stupid people are breeding at an alarming rate] and it was left to us and a diligent Disney employee to discourage the monkey baby from its taunting.

Remember kids, never taunt a man-eating animal unless you want to end up as lunch or an over-sized chew toy.

//Link// <<-- Report from NZ Herald.

Reading Stephen King's Latest Book Before You

One of the perks of being a bookseller is the ARC, sometimes called the advance reading copy in its unabbreviated form.

An ARC is obviously a book that is sent out by publishers prior to its publication date for the purpose of a sneak peak. Bookstores, magazines, libraries and other authors are usually the recipients of an ARC.

The ARC is often without dust, final binding and formatting, and will usually contain a few typos here and there. In some cases material in an ARC might be edited out of the final proof that ends up in your hands.

I was fortunate to score Stephen King's latest novel, Duma Key, when it was sent by his publishers to our store early last week. I'm a big King fan, so it goes without saying that I was ecstatic to get my hands on it. Even more so when your happy author discovered that it wasn't an ordinary ARC, either -- it was the final proof of the book that will be on sale in North America on January 22nd.

And is it any good? Sure is, but I won't be a meanie and spoil it for you.

Murdered Woman's Blog a Sombre Shrine

It was with great shame that I read about a murdered tourist in New Zealand. Shame that my country has become a violent one that can produce such viciousness where Karen Aim, a Scottish tourist, was left to die on a street corner with massive head injuries.

Stuff.co.nz has reported that her personal blog on bebo has received messages of condolence from friends and people who didn't even know her. Looking through the page entries and knowing that her life was ended by the greatest cruelty makes for sombre reading.

There was a time when homicide was so rare that it was big news. Conversation at school and work would revolve around whom might be responsible and the obvious question, why, would be asked followed with a routine naming of possible triggers: violent movies, rap music, video games, childhood abuse, et al.

However, from what I read and watch, reports of homicide and serious assault have been increasing with an alarming and disheartening regularity. No more can NZ society take a smug attitude toward the violence in other counties, particularly the United States and South Africa, because our own society is just as violent. And, if you take into account our smaller population, then per capita it ain't too flash.

I remember a referendum tucked into the 1999 general election that asked voters whether or not there should be sterner measures taken to prevent violent crime and harsher penalties for violent offenders. I seem to remember voting in the affirmative, along with 90% of the voters that year.

Seeing as we have a justice system that allowed a sociopath like Graeme Burton to be granted parole only to go on a crime spree that ended in homicide then it's easy to think we aren't getting what we asked for.

Or maybe we are. It's all too easy to blame a weak justice system where incompetent judges are allowed to routinely botch sentencing and send violent offenders, all but gift-wrapped, back to society; it's easy to blame wishy-washy politicians who promise the earth once every three years only to forget about you once they're in office; it's easy to blame the civil liberties crowd who rush to hold the hand of the criminal; it's easy to apportion blame on the basis of race, when in reality violence is colour blind; it's easy to blame Jay-Z, 50 Cent, Slim Shady, Snoop and all the other gangsters who rap about popping a cap in the ass of rivals while tapping booty and promoting misogyny; it's easy to blame drugs and alcohol, the leaded fuel of violence. However, perhaps the greatest -- and only -- blame falls on ourselves for allowing our society to fail.

After all, shouldn't we have a country where you can walk home from the pub at night by yourself without fearing for your life? Karen Aim obviously thought our country was safe enough to do so, and we failed her.

I Need About Five Fiddy

So I'm about to fire off my application to have the conditional status of my residency removed and imagine my surprise at the price tag for the privilege: $550. That's quite a lot of moolah.

Still, as wifey said, it's the government's last chance to make some money off of us so they're getting the bill in early, lol.

Once all the paper work and biometrics have been stamped, approved and filed it will be the end of a three year process of endless forms and cheque writing. Immigration is an interesting business with its own nuances, rules, regulations and a colourful cast of characters some more friendly than others. And let us not forget odd questions asked at immigration interviews along the lines of, "Have you ever been a prostitute?"

However, removing the conditions of my residency means I will be a bona-fide resident alien with his own green card, free to travel to exotic locations like Canada where I won't be given any problems for not having the right documentation. Because I'll be bona-fide.

George R.R. Martin Updates A Dance With Dragons

If you are, like me, a fan of George R.R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire series then you have been waiting patiently for him to finish and publish the fifth book in the series, A Dance With Dragons.

After all, it has been two years since A Feast For Crows was released so you figured it would have been out sooner rather than later, particularly as AFFC was actually half of the uncompleted ADWD.

Still, like me, you don't mind too much that the book has been delayed as one would rather the book be perfect than half baked and besides, there are plenty of wonderful books and series to enjoy while Martin gets down to business.

Since good things come to those who wait, Martin updated his website recently and assured his readers than he will do his best to get the book finished sometime this year, which is fantastic. He also added a new sample chapter, this time from Jon Snow's perspective.

If you're not a fan of A Song of Ice and Fire then you probably have no idea what the hell I'm talking about. However, if you're mildly curious to check out what is -- in all fairness to other writers in the genre -- the greatest work of fantasy literature since Tolkien, then check out the Wikipedia page on the series as a gateway.

//Link// <<-- Wikipedia page for A Song of Ice and Fire.

Eating Media Lunch: Media Scrum Tactics

One of my favourite shows in New Zealand was Eating Media Lunch, a satirical news show that enjoyed taking the piss out of politicians and other media figures with gusto.

Thanks to the power of the internet, some helpful person or persons have uploaded segments from the show.

Tonight's segment is about turning a media scrum on a reporter from TV3. It's quite interesting....

Today in HISTORY [05/01/2008]

Today is Saturday the 5th of January, 2008. On this day in 1896, an Austrian newspaper reported on William Conrad Rontgen's discovery of a new kind of radiation. Of course this discovery is what we smarties in the 21st Century call X-rays, that wacky form of electromagnetic radiation much used in the medical field. Where would we be without the humble X-ray, huh?

Oh, and without X-rays there wouldn't have been any X-Ray Specs built and purchased by naughty [and gullible] boys who wanted to perve at the chick next door. Incidentally, did you know the inventor of X-Ray Specs, Harold von Braunhut, also invented Amazing Sea-Monkeys? I didn't.

Also on this day in 1825 author Alexandre Dumas fought a duel. His opponent, possibly a literature student from the future who, feeling aggrieved at having to read The Count of Monte Cristo, invented a time machine to travel back in time to kill Dumas so he wouldn't have to read his work in class. Or it could have been a soldier who got into an argument with Dumas over billiards. Anywho, soldier or Future Boy it makes no difference, the duel was ineffective and it seems neither Dumas nor his opponent were that into it.

And finally, this day in 2000 marked day one of the Kuala Lumpur al-Qaeda summit. At this event top level goons in the organisation thrashed out the details of several plots to murder people around the world while racking up a colossal PPV bill watching the best Thai porn in their hotel rooms. On day two of the summit they took over a conference room and watched a fashion event showcasing the latest in suicide bomber wear for that season. No one throws a summit like those crazy al-Qaeda guys.

And there we have it, today in HISTORY.

Battle of the Recalcitrant Christmas Tree

Today I finally took down the Christmas tree. In Christmases past we have purchased a real tree and marveled at the piney fresh smell while cursing the endless rain of needles upon the floor.

However, last Christmas we decided to save a pine from destruction and picked up a fake tree. This thing is massive, standing 7 1/2 feet tall and equipped with built in lights that sparkled in the living room with a casual yet refined brilliance.

But, and there's always a but, the tree had to come down. It's 2008 now, Christmas was last year and you don't want to be the sad sack of the neighbourhood who takes forever to remove the Christmas decorations. So this morning, when I awoke, I stomped downstairs determined to disassemble the tree.

Figuring it would take me no more than five minutes [I am equipped with a penis after all, and this kind of thing is supposed to be up my gender's alley] your writer brewed some coffee and set about his task with gusto. Disconnecting the power leads and segments was easy. Scrunching the branches and needles back together was easy. Placing the segments in the box was not.

I have no idea how General Electric packaged this thing, but the fucking segments would not go back in the box. No matter how many different angles I approached it, I always ended up needing an extra half inch [hm, if I had a penny for every time I've said that...].

Finally, I resorted to a cunning blend of subtle manipulation and extreme violence to solve my conundrum. I can happily report that the tree is now back in the box, but the box is slightly ... buggered and the lid doesn't close like it used to.

The tree is now ready for storage and I look forward to repeating the experience next year.

Squirrel-Man Keen to Jump Sans Shute

Hm, I'm no master of physics but I would have thought jumping from a height of 1,200 metres minus a shute and using nothing but a specially designed squirrel suit and skis to land on a snowy slope is a recipe for broken legs.

That's what Queenstown daredevil John Berry wants to attempt [without the broken legs, one presumes] and has been planning to do so for a number of years, although one anonymous skydiver in the know says what Berry wants to do can't be done without the assistance of a shute.

Well, good luck to him if the dude can pull it off but I don't think I would have the bottle to try something like that, especially as the landing would be at a speed of 140 km/h, according to the story. Methinks he could end up a little shorter than when he started.

Here's a video of what the squirrel suit looks like in flight when used by some base jumpers:

//Link// <<-- Story from the NZ Herald.

Today In HISTORY [04/01/2008]

Today is Friday the 4th of January in the year of the Mighty Cthulhu, 2008.

If you cast your mind back in time to the close of the 20th Century you will discover the year 1999. This year saw millions of film fans eagerly awaiting the return of Arnold in his comeback opus, End of Days. Sports fans watched the All Blacks bow out of the Rugby World Cup semi-finals to the French in a limp performance under much whinging from the players that the French grabbed their testicles.

Also, the world was gripped with pre-millennial fever as computer geeks everywhere wondered if their computers would die at the hands of the Y2K Bug, and -- more importantly -- if they would get laid [or at the very least a hummer] on New Year's Eve [that would be a no and no [and a no to the hummer, too]].

However, on the 4th of January 1999 Europe was celebrating the launch of the Euro, a unified currency for a select group of European Union members in the Eurozone.¹ The Euro would eventually go on to replace well-known systems of currency like the franc, the lira, the drachma, the guilder, the mark, and the Ankh-Morpork dollar.

But not everyone in the EU joined the Eurozone party. The British have decided not to RSVP unless the United Kingdom could pass the "Five Economic Tests". I have no idea what these are, but I figure it's just a polite way of saying they don't want to adopt the Euro thank you very much and would you mind fucking off, please?

So there we have it, Today in HISTORY.


¹The Euro was introduced on this date as an accounting currency and its physical debut in people's wallets didn't come about until 2002.

Bond Gone, Baby

The news from New Zealand concerning Shane Bond is getting more depressing. Word on the street is Bond has signed with the rebel Indian Cricket League competition and, if confirmed, then his NZ career is effectively over. And that sucks arse.

There's always been a story floating around that Bond was heavily courted by the ICL early last year, but with the formation of a rival sanctioned competition, the Indian Premier League, and a new media contract for NZ Cricket, the chances of keeping Bond and our top players in International Cricket Council sanctioned competitions increased.

Or so it seemed, until The Guardian broke a story about Bond signing for the ICL and the implications for the national body in regards to its stance on rebel players. With NZ Cricket stopping short of banning players who accept contracts with the ICL, they could still face restraint-of-trade action over their "recommendation" to team selectors that rebel players be "overlooked for selection".

I dunno, the easiest thing would have been for the ICC to have recognised the rebel competition and therefore avoid the problems that are now becoming apparent. While some countries can cope with the loss of a handful of players, New Zealand by contrast cannot. With its small player pool the loss of even a few world-class players is a massive setback. Throw into the recipe players retiring while still at their peak to pursue other options, and it's not scaremongering to suggest NZ's cricket team is heading for a dark time.

We'll see what happens, but if Shane Bond has left NZ cricket for good let's think back on those wonderful happy times when he was doing what he did best: beating up Australians.

Enjoying The Cold

South Florida usually enjoys two states of temperature: hot and fucking hot. There is one exception to this norm, and that is in January when cold air is shipped from the frozen north via some insidious stream to settle amongst us and make our nipples all pointy.

Well, my nipples are fine as I dig the cold snap at this time of year, particularly as it's a nice contrast to the ball-melting humidity we usually experience here. Long may the cold continue!

2007 Was Last Year

Well it's day two of 2008 and as I sit back and think of what went on in 2007 I'm kind of drawing a big fat blank. 2007 was there, but all of the months seemed to mold into this homogeneous gloop of boring regularity. Stuff happened, but mostly I kept my nose to the grindstone at work. Indeed, 2007 was my least productive year of blogging ever which, to be honest, was partly due to my apathy toward blogging. But I'm back, baby.

However, while 2007 was neither here nor there, we did experience some nice events that stood head and shoulders above everything else that went on.

* In March I was promoted from proletariat to party member, hurrah! My bank account was most relieved at the increase in dolleros but, as Biggie once said, mo' money mo' problems.

* In July my wife and I took flight and visited her extended family in sunny Pennsylvania. PA reminded me much of my homeland, all lush greens and friendly locals with a plethora of sheep and cows. Indeed, it was an eye opening contrast for me to compare at length another American state with the one I currently live in.

* In September my wife was promoted, moving from the floor to the executive offices where she presides over her empire and controls the fates of her minions. Really, if you're the payroll and benefits administrator at your work you know lots of shit.

* In December we had Christmas and I finally bought my wife a wedding ring, wh00t! Yep, when I first moved here the NZ dollar was not flash when compared with the US dollar [George W. Bush was still working on his master plan of devaluing his nation's currency and stage three hadn't kicked in yet] so my funds could be best described as modest.

So in lieu of a proper wedding ring I purchased a souped up engagement ring and figured it wouldn't be too long before I was working and could get the next piece of the conjugal bling collection. Wrong! It took fucking ages for me to get a work permit, and when I thankfully started working at Barnes & Noble they hardly paid well, particularly as one started on a part-time basis working 18 hours a week.

However, with pluck and perseverance Richard began his ascent of the corporate ladder and take a look at him now! Erm, well I'm still near the bottom but I was able to get that ring to go with the other one. Oh, and as a bonus dirty old men will finally stop congratulating Diane on her engagement.

So yes, 2007 wasn't too bad at all, really. I signed up for a Facebook account as well, connecting with a few homies I haven't heard from in a while. I still don't spend that much time on Facebook, what with this blog and work, home life and Guitar Hero III thrown in there isn't enough hours in the day. But I'll pop in from time to time, and maybe convince some of my other friends to sign up. They know they want to.

Looking ahead to 2008 I have a massive landmark approaching. Indeed, this month will see me applying to have the conditional status of my residency removed. That means I will be a bona fide permanent resident alien, able to do most things here except vote. And when one considers the American political scene at the moment, that's not a minus.

In 2008 my wife and I will celebrate 3 years of being hooked up, and I will join the ranks of the thirtysomethings. But let's not focus on my age, okay?

Anywho, I'll keep hacking out this blog as long as you keep pretending to read it. I promise to try and be a little more consistent than I was last year, but with a Wii sitting in the living room I don't want to make too many promises....

Have a great year and do something awesome.

I Am A Legend of Rock

Oh, yes -- Richard was given Guitar Hero III for Christmas and has been thrashing out classic rock songs on his Les Paul controller for the Wii.

In the game I've started my virtual band and we're called The Shit. Our band's style is sort of post-punk mixed with alt. rock tendencies and some shameless pop pretensions thrown in. Indeed, you could almost describe us as the most awesome band that never existed: that's how much The Shit rocks. I cant wait to start destroying little virtual hotel rooms and taking lots of virtual drugs. Great.

I really love the whammy bar on the controller as it helped me to defeat Slash in a battle recently. But Slash was gracious in defeat, kindly joining me on stage for an encore.

If you haven't played it I recommend you do so immediately. You will be the envy of all your friends and family as they sit and admire your gnarly licks.