Mad Max's Potty Mouth

Gosh, sounds like someone needs their mouth washed out with soap. Of course I'm referring to Mad Max and his profanity-laced tanny when he was nicked for drunk driving recently.

TMZ.com managed to obtain four pages of the arrest report, and it makes for some intriguing bedtime reading. I love the part where Max said, "I own Malibu" and that he was going to "get even" with the police dude. Classic -- I might use that one the next time I'm pulled over ...

It was also interesting reading Max's anti-Semitic comments as well, especially when one takes into consideration the little kerfuffle his snuff film started a couple of years back.

Hm, I wonder if he started playing a banjo in the back of the police cruiser and singing, "Jesus, oh how I love ya, how I love ya Jesus!" like that episode from South Park. Probably not.

You know how this will end, folks. Max will probably go on Oprah or Babs Walters to confess his battle with the bottle and express deep remorse for his behaviour. He'll blub into his hanky; we'll blub into our hankies ... and then we'll fork over some bling for his auto-biography and all will be forgiven. That's the power of celebrity, boys and girls.

[Link] <<-- TMZ.com has the story, plus a link to the police report.

[Link] <<-- The Sydney Morning Herald has a report.

Mel Gibson, Celebrities, Jesus, gossip, News, Drunkard, Wino, Idiocy, Cocknocker

The Hoff: The Musical

I have no idea if this is a joke or not [along the lines of Get Hasselhoff to Number 1] but thus far David Hasselhoff: The Musical seems to be kosher. Yep.

I hope KITT will be in the musical. Sure, it'll be a logistical nightmare to get everyone's favourite 1983 Pontiac Trans Am into the show, but if anyone can pull it off it's the Hoff.

Oh, and if the musical makes it to Germany the show will be a guaranteed sell out as Germans love the Hoff. Remember, he was the headline act when the Berlin Wall came down back in 1989. One could even argue that the Hoff defeated the tyranny of communism in Eastern Europe. Think about it.

[Link] <<-- The Musical, from stuff.co.nz.

david hasselhoff, knight rider, musicals, Theatre

Never Bring a Knife to a Gunfight

Let's see, a gentleman of indeterminate intelligence waltzed into an Auckland gun shop carrying a machete with, one imagines, the intent to rob the establishment. Hm, I think you can guess what happened next.

[Link] <<-- D'oh! From the NZ Herald.

New Zealand, News

All Blacks 35 South Africa 17

Another win for the All Blacks last night in Wellington over the Springboks, which extends the winning streak at home for the ABs against all teams to 20.

From what I've read it was a bruising game, although what NZ-SA game isn't? At least there were no reports of biting or hair-pulling that I've heard of ...

So that's two from two at home for the good guys, and it's now on the road to Brisbane next week for a rematch with the Aussies.

[Link] <<-- Match report from the NZ Herald.

All Blacks, Rugby, New Zealand

Band of Chickenhawks

You probably heard Newt Gingrich come out a few days ago suggesting that we might be in the opening stages of World War III. And you know what? Maybe he's right.

However, maybe he's wrong. Years from now people might look back and say the period of conflict in the post-9/11 world was nothing more than the Cold War Mk. II.

Then again, in the post-9/11 world, perhaps the understanding of global war has been altered to the degree that what is happening now in Lebanon ceases to be a proxy war, and is actually a campaign in a global world war.

However, if I were to offer my two cents, I'd say the Israel-Hezbollah conflict is exactly what it is: another Arab-Israeli round of fisticuffs that's been going on for longer than many care to remember.

So if the Lebanon crisis is nothing more than business as usual, why would Newt have you believe that the Third World War has kicked off? While you mull that over, take note of this: 2006 is election year, and all he might be doing is simply warming up the Republican scaremongering engine.

Yes, on the one hand that's a very cynical conclusion that I've reached; but on the other hand when one observes politicians it's always best to think with the side of your brain that deals with the most basic of human emotions. You know, shit like self-preservation. After all, Newt doesn't want his party to be out of a job, so the best way for his homies to keep doing their thing is to cry, "War!" and get the voters to think that regime change is probably not cool when we're at war, so we'll stick with the status-quo.

Oh, there's also some hubbub about him about running for President in 2008.

Newt's probably one of those people that just itches for war; it gets him all hot under the collar and ready to kick some ass. Yet Newt would run a mile were he asked to actually pick up a rifle and fight. He prefers to do his fighting behind a desk and preferably between the hours of noon and dinner. Do we need more of his ilk in public office? I mean, if it isn't sociopaths wanting to play with their toy soldiers, it's those loopy bastards in power all over the world sitting by the curb waiting for Mr. Rapture to pull up in his psychedelic speed-wagon so he can usher in the end times. They'll be like, yay the rapture! So what if the world is turning to shit, I'm so pious I'll be hitching a ride in the speed-wagon and all of the sinners will be Left Behind with Kirk Cameron.

Sigh.

[Link] <<-- CBS makes fun of Newt.

[Link] <<-- Slate says this isn't WW3.

[Link] <<-- The Huffington Post takes a pop at Newt.

Newt Gingrich, Politics, Media, News, Lebanon, Israel, Hezbollah, War

The Holy Grail of KFCs

It exists. All you can eat KFC.




However, it looks to be a dodgy location so I wouldn't be getting too excited. And after hearing some bile-inducing horror stories concering fast food joints, you might want to give it a miss.

But, if you've got a hankering for all you can eat chicken'n'fixins then I say rock and roll, esse.

Mercury Shortlist Announced

So I see the Arctic Monkeys are the bookies favourites to take home this year's Mercury Music Prize. However, I wouldn't be too quick to fork over some bling because I think they will be pipped.

Yes, I have a cunning hunch that Muse will walk away with 1st Prize, and if they do it will be a jolly good show, too. For my money the Arctic Monkeys are not as great as their hype suggests, yet they're lauded by pretty much everyone and are therefore expected to win. And since they're expected to win, they will actually lose.

But then again they might actually win. Hm, interesting.

[Link] << -- BBC article on the shortlist. Vote Muse!

Silent Bob vs. Joel "La Fours" Siegel

Wow, it's handbags at dawn stuff between film director Kevin Smith and film critic Joel Siegel. Apparently the mutual antipathy germinated when Siegel stormed out of a screening of Smith's latest film, Clerks II. Siegel exclaimed to his fellow audience members that it was the "worst" film he had seen in a bazillion years of watching films for free. Or something like that.

So anyway, Siegel's little wobbly caused Smith to reply with interest, guaranteeing some good laughs and free publicity for Clerks II, in cinemas this week.

[Link] <<-- Silent Bob Strikes Back.

Shameless Technorati links ...

Kevin Smith, clerks 2, Film

Crabby Customers

Golly there were some crabby customers in the store today. It's amazing how many people get worked up when they have to wait their turn in a queue.

What compounds the longer waiting time for customer service at this time of year is kids and parents coming in for summer reading books, as invariably they will not head for the tabled areas that have signs labeled "Summer Reading Books" but will go straight to the dude on the info desk [that's me] with their list. I love the optimism of these parents, dragging their kids to the store on a mad hunt for books that will not be read until the final weekend before school starts, if ever.

Anyway, when you have a list of books to grab it means customers in a queue will, as already mentioned, have to wait a little longer than usual before a bookseller can get to them, especially if the bookseller is flying solo. My solution for handling crabby customers is to always be assertive. For example, if the customer speaks thus:

Customer.

"You told us you would be just a few minutes a few minutes ago!"

Then you might like to reply thus:

Richard.

"Perhaps you would like it if I cloned myself, sir? As you can see, I am the only one here so you'll have to be patient and I will get to you."

The desired result was achieved, and it just goes to show you that it's best to catch them as they're winding up, like punching someone in the nuts as they take a deep breath.

An added extra: How to interpret what a customer is really saying.

Customers have their own doublespeak, and will employ it regularly to their advantage. Take the following example and see if you can decipher the doublespeak:


Scene: The hero is busy wrapping a couple of books [free of frickin' charge, too] for a customer.

Richard.

"Wow, this Jewish cookbook will make a fantastic gift."

Customer.

"Listen, I'm in a hurry so I need those wrapped quickly."

Now, did any of you playing at home get the doublespeak? It's a tricky one I know, but what the customer actually meant was this:

Customer.

"Oh, I wasn't aware conversation was part of the service? Shut the fuck up and get with the wrapping, retail boy."

Give yourself extra points if you included "fuck" in your answer.

Thank you, come again.

Life, Work, Careers, employment, books, retail

A Delightful Desk

I want I want I want!

It will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine.

[Link] <<-- Own your own old school wooden lap desk with storage!

Chad Vader - Day Shift Manager

Classic.



Star Wars

The War On Humans Has Begun ...

According to NZ Federated Farmers President, Charlie "Mad Dog" Pedersen.¹

Who are we fighting? Is it sharks? Maybe it's agents of destruction from a parallel universe? Or perhaps it's the evil Commander Makara, who demands that Earth hand over the mysterious F-Zero-One to her?²

"Onwards, Federated Farmers! Onwards to glory!"

Well the answer isn't as cool as any of the above suggestions. Yeah, I'm afraid Charlie's Forces of Evil are just your garden variety tree huggers. Boring, huh?

According to Charlie P, environmentalists have raised environmental causes to a "religious state" in New Zealand, and it's a big "shame" on us [with, one suspects, a wagging finger for added FX] for having let this horrible, horrible situation take hold and plunge us into the aforementioned war.

"Duh, I'm with Charlie."

Now Charles is a passionate homie; I can see how that passion helped him to rise through the ranks of Federated Farmers to the exalted position he now holds. One can just picture him as a Young Turk of a sharemilker as he hosed away the excrement from 450 Jerseys on a cold, winter morning just dreaming of the day when he would give a speech to the world about the dangers of hippies. Well that day was yesterday, and didn't he do well?

However, one suspects that Chuck's forgotten to take his pills. I mean, come on C-Man, it isn't that bad. Is our mineral wealth really "locked away" as you claim [a claim refuted by a Department of Conservation spokesman]?

Are our children -- would someone please, for the love of God, think of the fucking children for once -- really in danger of not earning any money from that massive mineral stockpile being locked up in a prison of native flora and fauna?

Deep down one might suspect that his hysteria stems from concerns over nothing more than the heft of his coin purse, and the affects this so-called war will have on it.

Frankie says, relax!

[Link] <<-- It's War! From stuff.co.nz.

[Link] <<-- The Enemies of Mankind, from ninemsn.

[Link] <<-- The Thorndorn Bubble has the whole speech, with inserts ...

[Link] <<-- Here's a link to the NZ Herald. I'm adding this one in for some pimpalink action, yo.

Environment, New Zealand, Greenpeace

¹ I have no idea if his nickname is actually Mad Dog, but we'll go with that for now.

I Wish I Was a WAG

Well I don't, but plenty of girls in the UK aspire to being a high-spending, low-working piece of totty on the arm of a mincing soccer player. And good on them, too! It's nice to have something worthwhile to aspire to.

Be like me. Be ... like me.

[Link] <<-- The WAG Lifestyle, from the Independent.

Celebrities

Weezer No More?

Noooooooo! I heard on the ever-reliable internet that Weezer have decided to take another hiatus and this time it might be for an indefinite period of time, which is shit.

Still, I guess all things must come to pass, right? However, I wouldn't be surprised if Weezer have one final album left in them [and that doesn't count a "Best Of" release, either] so we'll just have to wait and see ...

In honour of Weezer's holiday, shall we embark on a Weezer retrospective? Okay, here we go ...

Weezer [The Blue Album]




One of the finest debuts ever, this eponymous release was choc full of a glass and a half of full creamy coolness. Standout tracks being Buddy Holly [you bought Windows 95 just for the video, didn't you? Didn't you!], Say it Ain't So [this was played ad nauseam during my uni orientation year of '96, but it still rocks], and my personal fav while hanging out with Kitty Pryde and Nightcrawler, In The Garage.

Pinkerton.




Maligned by some for not being The Blue Album, this is Weezer's best album by a long shot and I will get my cousin on to any of youse who say otherwise, eh. Complex and just a little bit dark, this album grows with each listening. This album's Kool-Aid tracks: El Scorcho, The Good Life, and Pink Triangle. Groovy.

Weezer [The Green Album].




They're back! After a five-year hiatus Weezer exploded back into action with the funky single, Hash Pipe. Many consider this to be the anti-Pinkerton, with its upwardly peppy songs in a short but sweet package. Indeed, the album only clocked in at 28 minutes so it didn't hang around, but with songs like the aforementioned Hash Pipe, Photograph, and Glorious Day, who cares? Yeah!

Maladroit.




This one was different. Not different in a bad way, but different in a good way in that the band wasn't afraid of veering from the sound they had re-established in the previous album. The detour didn't take in any of Pinkerton's qualities, but several of the songs on Maladroit sounded a little heavier musically than your average Weezer song. Good shit being, Dope Nose, Keep Fishin', and Take Control. Bonus points for using a thesaurus when coming up with the album's title.

Make Believe.




I don't like it. Well, this is my least favourite of their albums; however, it does have some kick arse singles on it like Perfect Situation [one of the best Weezer singles], and This is Such a Pity. However, the album didn't really jive for this listener, those two tracks notwithstanding. Meh, what'ya gonna do?

And there ya go. But do not despair for Weezer shall return -- I bet my appendix on it. Hm, I see your appendix and I raise you a pancreas.

[Link] <<-- MTV has the skinny on Weezer's holiday.

Weezer, Music, rivers cuomo

Nothing Like a Promotion

Good news from my place of employment, homies. Yes indeedy, your audacious author has been promoted to lead bookseller!1

Oh, and the increase in bling certainly helps, as does the insurance package that I'm now eligible to join. And since I live in a country where insurance is a must, I will definitely sign on the bottom line so I can get me a whole new smile. Ching-ching!

Little Timmy's School Report

Name: Little Timmy
Age: 13
Year: Form Two

Reading: A
Grammar: B
Maths: B+
Science: B
Social Studies: A
PE: C
Height: 155 cm
Weight: 67 kg
BMI: 27.9
Body Fat Percentage: 23.1%

Teacher's Note.

Little Timmy is a little porker. Could do better.

Principal's Note.

Who ate all the pies? Lose some weight for next year, fatty.


I'm pretty sure the above is fiction, but one can never tell. Mind you, one child obesity expert in NZ thinks children should be weighed at school as part of a screening programme to help combat child obesity, so it's only natural that a sarcastic bastard like me would extend such thinking to incorporate things like the BMI in Little Timmy's school report.

The child obesity expert, Don Beaven, has his heart in the right place but his call for schools to weigh their pupils is naff at best. I mean, don't parents have a set of bathroom scales? Don't kids get weighed by their doctors?

Here's an idea, Don -- why don't we take even more responsibility away from parents. For example, maybe we should set up State run boarding schools where the kids are kept all year except Christmas Day and Easter. That way we can be sure Little Timmy eats right and gets his exercise.

As far as retarded thinking goes, this is right up there with that stupid MP who wants to ban Happy Meals. A child who is obese has a problem that has started in her home, and the responsibility lies with her parents. No amount of weight screening and little nutrition pamphlets being sent home from school with the child is going to make any difference until the parents are directly involved, instead of being allowed to skive. That is where the problem should be addressed, and people should stop expecting schools to provide life skills for idiots.

[Link] <<-- Weigh them chil'ren! From stuff.co.nz

Superman Returns

Well last week my wife and I took ourselves to the snooty theatre up in Boca so we could see the new Superman film.

And?

It was pretty good, actually. Sure, it wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination and it suffered from some very flat patches when you felt that it should have been balls out and 100 mph, please. There was also the odd plot hole to contend with, and a few camera shots that stared for too long on Supes ... kinda like a stalker angle lense or something.

However, apart from that we really dug the film and didn't regret forking over the extra bling to see the film in the comfy chairs on the balcony, with free popcorn and cheese sprinkles. Mm, cheese sprinkles.

Oh, as an aside it's good to see that James Marsden can actually act -- his role as Cyclops in the X-Men films was atrociously written, so it was a huge relief to watch him own a character and come across as believable. And Kevin Spacey rules.

Now my pal Paul thought the film was boring in a recent email, and I can certainly see where he's coming from. I'm just glad we got a good Superman film, after the abominations that were III and IV.

Actually, I was thinking the other day that Superman Returns felt a little like Bryan Singer's first X-Men film, like he was establishing a foundation to launch subsequent stories on. Now that the film has been released after many misfires [Kevin Smith, Nicholas Cage, Tim Burton, Giant Spiders ...] there's plenty of material the filmmaker's can play around with, although one wonders if they'll have trouble raising a similar-sized budget for any sequel. I think the first X-Men film cost in the region of $70 million, while Superman Returns cost, according to Box Office Mojo, $260 million. That's some mega bling and if you add the promotional costs then Superman better make some good, er, returns to break into the black.

Anyway, to cut a long, rambling post short: if you haven't seen Superman Returns I'd recommend that you go check it out. You know, if you want to. And don't forget to go to the lobby to get yourself a treat ...



Superman, Superman returns, Film, Comics

Quote of the Day

"I never want to have to piss while standing next to Klingons again."

-- Warren Ellis explains one of the reasons why he won't be attending this year's San Diego Comics Con.

That's just classic.

Warren Ellis, Comics

Shine On You Crazy Diamond

I see Syd Barrett passed away a few days ago, which is a bloody shame. Barrett is a fascinating and tragic figure in the history of music, especially considering he was a founding member of Pink Floyd.

Chart Attack has posted an interview with Pink Floyd's Nick Mason, here.

A Royal Shag

Yet another sad fuck has come out and proclaimed they once made the beast with two backs with Princess Diana while she was still married. However, instead of laying on some Mills and Boon stylz, cameraman Sebastian Rich says the coital was a quickie after Diana threw herself at him because she was jealous over his affair with a courtier. Uh-huh.

But he's only revealed that much, you understand. The rest shall be revealed in-depth when he's offered a book deal for his completed manuscript; some news agencies are reporting that Rich wants a million squid for it. Tell him he's dreaming.

See, I don't get it -- if you're going to talk bollocks about banging a princess, at least make it worth our while. Seriously, a quickie isn't cool, yo. Something a little grander might pique my interest. For example:

"That first night I lay her down on her Rhodesian mountain lion rug that was a gift from the people of Rhodesia before Rhodesia became Zimbabwe. Her royal mouth ached for my proletariat tongue, and she arranged her legs in the M of receptivity yearning for my 'boom', as she liked to call it. For the first five hours of love making methinks we were transported back to ancient Africa on that rug, much like Aladdin and his flying carpet. All night the tribal chants rang through our ears, the native folk blessing us with fertility songs and wishes of eternal, mutual climax. After 72 hours of squidgy coital we finally lurched as one being, existing in all points in time and space as our nectar coalesced into pure thought, the next step in human evolution. Then she sent her driver out for Indian."

But did he say that? No, he just said that it was only a quickie that he doesn't want to talk too much about. Well, he wants to talk about it for a little bit -- five or so pages -- but definitely no more than that. Oh, and he'd like the million squid paid into an offshore bank account, thanks.

[Link] <<-- What a cock, from the Adelaide Advertiser.

Little Britain Namesake

Leave it to the Sun to bring us the important stories. According to their story, a bonnie lass suffers the cruel indignation of sharing her name with Little Britain's Vicky Pollard.

But unlike the fictional delinquent chav with 13 children, the real world Vicky Pollard is a "posh" undergraduate studying law.

Ms. Pollard says sharing her name with her fictional namesake has made her life a "misery", and she's even been threatened with arrest at random searches because police thought she was pulling a fast one, if you believe the Sun.

I guess this phenomenon is nothing new, especially with hit TV shows. One thinks back to the 1980s when uni students by the name of Neil might've been teased owing to The Young Ones.

However, if one has a sense of humour then shirley it's nothing to go crying to the tabloids over, right? Guess it depends on how much the Sun was offering ...

[Link] <<-- The name shame, Sun.

Little Britain, TV, Comedy

Celebrity Bowling

Apparently Celebrity Bowling was a TV programme that ran for a few seasons back in the 1970s. Much like today's Celebrity Poker, D-list celebrities would battle one another for universal dominance ... and for a nominated charity, of course.

I'm wondering why there hasn't been a revival, because there's definitely some mega bling to be made there. You could also have Celebrity Knucklebones, Celebrity Water Polo, even Celebrity Battleship [has to be the Electronic Battleship: Advanced Mission kind, though] ...

Celebrities, TV, Reality TV

You Mosque Be Joking

"We want to make such a fuss that the Muslims will pack up," said Richard I at the gates of Jerusalem in 1192.

Actually, it was said more recently by Rev. O'Neal Dozier, of the Worldwide Christian Center, as he protested against the construction of a new mosque in Pompano Beach, FL.

Yes, the construction has started a kerfuffle with ruffled preachers and their flocks staging protests outside City Hall in an effort to stop the mosque from setting up shop. I saw the protests on a local news channel last night, and some of the signs being thrust proudly into the sky said, "No Jihad!" and other such nonsense's.

Ah, brotherly love -- just one of those many pious qualities that orgainsed religions purport to possess. Throw in a pinch or two of tolerance and respect and you've got yourself the making of a lovely institution. Well, in theory but all too often organised religion is nothing more than a cult led by dangerous men in charge of a flock that is little more than a hive mind susceptible to persuasion. You can tell I'm not a fan of any organised religion, be it Islam, Judaism, Christianity, or miscellaneous. However, I certainly respect the right for them to exist and for an individual to choose to follow a faith: it's just that I think one ceases to be an individual in such an environment.

Anyway, that's for another time. What's important, and sad, to note here is the bigotry and hypocrisy shown by these preachers and their flocks [an apt name if ever there was one]. I certainly hope the mosque is allowed to go ahead, and if their permits check out I cannot see why not. It just remains to see what will happen to it after it's built, because you can be sure the matter won't rest here.

Care for some Enlightenment anyone? I'll take two.

[Link] <<-- Protest story, from the Sun-Sentinel.

Religion, Current Affairs, Islam, Florida

Go Go Gadget Exploding Headbutt

My pal Baker sent me this hilarious YouTube link. Some enterprising fellow has coloured-in Zidane's headbutt from the World Cup Final last weekend. Classic.



Zidane, world cup, soccer

Monday iPod Funday

It's back! In my never-ending quest for laziness, I bring you ten random songs from my iPod. Recognize, bitches.

***Disclaimer***

These songs are so cool they are likely to cure the Black Death. Ring a ring o'roses, indeed.¹

Ocean Man -- Ween

Range Life -- Pavement

Last Stop: This Town -- Eels

Lithium -- Nirvana

Today -- Smashing Pumpkins

Crazy -- Gnarls Barkley

Orange Crush -- R.E.M.

Moonage Daydream -- David Bowie

Stars Are Blind -- Paris Hilton. Just Kidding! The nicest thing I can bring myself to say about that particular song is that it sounds like Ace of Base. Considering Ace of Base are shit I'm not being very nice ...

He Thought of Cars -- Blur

Big Me -- Foo Fighters


¹Exaggeration, may not happen.

iPod, iTunes, Music

Slate's Film Critic All at Sea

I read a perplexing film review in Slate yesterday. The film being reviewed was the Pirates of the Caribbean sequel and the reviewer, Dana Stevens, prefaced the review with the admission that she had never seen the first Pirates movie ...

Correct this writer if he's wrong, but I thought the job of a film critic was to first watch a film, and then give a critique of a film. Therefore, if one is watching a sequel, it might be best to watch the film preceding it so the critic would have no need for the "running commentary" of the eight year old kid sitting next to her.

The critic is also of the opinion that "dropping in on the middle chapter of a trilogy seems a good a way as any of assessing the state of a franchise." No, it is not. It's actually a weak excuse for a lazy writer who has not done their research. It would be like dropping in on The Two Towers without having seen The Fellowship of the Ring first. Only a silly person, auditioning for the role of Summer's Silliest Person, would be so silly.

This writer actually caught Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest last night, and found it to be a thoroughly enjoyable film that was free from pretension. By not pretending to be anything other than what it is, the film is your classic summer popcorn flick.

However, if I could offer one critique it would be that it needed a trim in the length department as a couple of sections felt drawn-out. Otherwise, I'd recommend that you see it for yourself and not rely on the information of indolent film critics.

[Link] <<-- A ho-hum review, from Slate.

Slate, Blogging, Film, Movies

Business as Usual as All Blacks Beat Aussies

Vroom!

Australian rugby players are never backward in coming forward in the lip department. Through all of the last week leading up to the Australia vs. New Zealand rugby test we heard boisterous sabre rattling from their players about how their forward pack was superior, and how there was a new dawn in Australian rugby, blah blah.

Now, I understand that confidence is very important in a sportsman. However, there seems to be a thin line between confidence and delusion, and it is clearly a great dollop of the latter that the Aussies suffered from as they came crashing back to earth with a thud when the All Blacks gave them a right spanking on a cold Christchurch evening.

String me Kangaroo up, sport.

Still, this year's Tri Nations has two extra games than in previous years, and instead of a sprint it might be best to pace the campaign like it was a half-marathon, especially when traveling to South Africa to play in altitude. In other words, there's still a bloody long way to go yet before the All Blacks can win the comp, but starting with a bonus point win is certainly a groovy way to kick off. Quite.

Oh, I thought Brian O'Driscoll was dumped on his shoulder in last year's opening Lions test; from the amount of bullshit that spouts freely from his mouth one wonders whether or not it was his head that he fell on. I mean, did he really think the Aussies were a better team than the All Blacks? And as for the Irish coach, Eddie O'Sullivan, saying that Stephen Larkham was a better fly half than Daniel Carter? Puh-lease. Larkham certainly kicked arse in the late 90s, but he's definitely in the twilight of his career and if Australian rugby had any depth he would probably have to fight hard to keep his place in the team.

I think O'Driscoll's and O'Sullivan's comments stem from the fact that in 108 years of trying, Ireland has never beaten the All Blacks. It might be a case of the green-eyed monster tarnishing their comments. Or, perhaps we have arrived back where we started with our dear old friend delusion.

[Link] <<-- Match report, from the Sydney Morning Herald.

[Link] <<-- Larkham better than Carter? From the Sydney Morning Herald.

Rugby, All Blacks, New Zealand

Bugger

Bugger.

The Biggest Little Bitch in Sport

So the soccer world cup draws to a close this weekend, and what had promised to be a fantastic event in the opening rounds has started to look all too familiar as we approach the final. I'm talking about cheating, of course.

Chief cheat, the Little Bitch in a Team of Little Bitches, has been Portugal's Cristiano Ronaldo. Undoubtedly a very talented soccer player, Ronaldo is also undoubtedly a very talented big girl's blouse.

If he isn't blubbing over Portugal being knocked out, he's accusing the referee of being biased about Portugal. If he isn't, er, diving into histrionics about the misdeeds of opposing players, he's rolling around on the grass screaming murder over an innocuous challenge in the hope of winning a foul from the referee. It's little wonder that his efforts on the field have left a sour taste in the mouth; it's little wonder that he was jeered by the crowd whenever he came within shouting distance of the ball.

The sad part is that Ronaldo is hardly alone in the cheating department. Did anyone think Thierry Henry's little pantomime deserved to win a penalty? Did anyone else think Australia were hard done by in their match against Italy?

The referees could also step in and take more control: by awarding yellow cards to players diving. Every so often one hears little whispers from FIFA that the refs will crack down on offenders, but it turns out to be nothing more the flatulence.

What might help is the use of a video ref, an official that the on-field ref can ask for clarity on a challenge. If there was deliberate contact, then a free kick can be awarded/yellow card issued/ whatever. But if the video shows minimal to absolutely no contact, then action could be taken against the little bitch taking a dive. If enough players are penalised for what is essentially cheating, then the spectacle on the field will start to look less like a pantomime with highly paid amateur actors, and more like an actual game of soccer.

[Link] <<-- Backlash begins for the Little Bitch, from the BBC.

[Link] <<-- Paul Lewis bemoans the cheating, from the NZ Herald.

***Update***

And I see Germany won the playoff for third place. Losing to Italy in the semis really buggered my prediction of a Germany vs France final. Oh, well -- at least I didn't have any bling riding on it.

Soccer, World Cup 2006, Football

Warriors Win Four in a Row

There you go, nothing like a win to warm the cockles. It's a pity about the projected $2,000,000 loss for the season, though.

Anyway, the playoffs are still possible especially if it comes down to for and against because at the moment they've got the second best points differential in the comp. Not bad for a team that started the season on -4 points.

Onwards and upwards!

Predictable England Eliminated Predictably

God what an awful game of soccer. Not only were England impotent in attack, but Portugal -- a team loaded with flair -- decided to put much of their energy into trying to sell fouls to the referee. None of the Portuguese players are particulary good actors, but that didn't stop them screaming like ten year old girls every time a boot came near them. It's soccer games like these that make me yearn for full-contact sports, where blood is spilt and scrotums are ripped asunder. Well, maybe not the scrotums bit ... unless you're playing the French in rugby, but you know what I mean.

Still, it was the result that all of England wanted. What? England wanted to lose? Well, maybe not the average Joe on the street but if one reads most of the dailies one would find that English journalists have turned pessimism into an art form. Chief uber-Pessimist himself is the Independent's James Lawton, who has surely set some sort of record for negativity. I wouldn't be surprised if he had already written England's epitaph before the tournament began, just so he could be first in line to pick over the putrid carcass of another failed English campaign.

It's peculiar, even when England were winning it wasn't good enough for some. This writer has always been of the belief that an ugly victory is better than a beautiful defeat because -- and here's something that most journalists often overlook -- winners advance and losers go home, duh.

But, England is out and the post-mortem will begin in earnest. Questions will be asked over formations [4-4-2? 4-5-1? 4-1-4-1? 5-5?], fitness, passion, preparation, heat, coaching, red cards, referees, humidity, German sausage, WAGs, etc. But the real question is: did the team ever have a chance? And that's off the pitch with the so-called supporters.

Oh, and for my money the final will be between France and Germany.

Soccer, World Cup 2006, Sports