Thursday, 24 November 2005

Snakes on a Dirigible

Some of you have probably heard about the forthcoming Samuel L. Jackson film, Snakes on a Plane.

Where am I going with this post? Well, I was kinda bored for a few minutes earlier today, so I decided to come up with a prequel to Snakes on a Plane. I even have a bit of an outline, with a few snippets of the script. Yep. Anyway, it's called ...

Snakes on a Dirigible.

Samuel L. Jackson will star in the feature, and will play the progenitor of his character from Snakes on a Plane.

The year is 1938 and Jackson is Butch Flynn, a former NYPD detective who was wrongfully stripped of his badge for a crime he did not commit. The US State Department offers him a chance to clear his name and regain his family honor. What is the task they have for him? Infiltrate one of the Nazi dirigibles docked at the Empire State Building, and currently taking on passengers for the return journey across the Atlantic to Nazi Germany.

The US State Department knows that there is a Nazi spy on board who has stolen the plans for a Super Weapon that could change the balance of power in the world. They cannot ID the agent [who is a master of disguise], so Butch’s job is to whittle away suspects on board the dirigible and then ‘retrieve’ the plans, by whatever means necessary. He is then tasked with returning to the US by whichever way necessary. In the event that he fails, the US State Department will disavow all knowledge of his existence, such is the sensitive nature of these plans.

Unbeknownst to all except the viewer [dramatic irony] is the addition of a third player in the game: a beautiful Brazilian secret service agent called Lula Xiachantos [played by Eva Longoria] who has been sent by her government to kill the Nazi spy. The motivation for this assassination is not revealed, but to help her complete the task she has brought along a cargo of several crates ostensibly labeled, ‘Gerbils. Destination: Berlin Zoo and Nazi Family Fun Park.’

However, it is not harmless gerbils in the crates. Oh no. The crates are actually full of the most deadly snakes in the known world: The King Cobra; the Mongolian Slipper Python; the Alpaca’s Bane Adder; the King of the Brazilian rainforest, the Anaconda; et al.

The dirigible leaves its New York mooring, and flies on an eastern course across the Atlantic toward Europe. The viewers see on this eastern horizon storms forming, which is wonderful imagery and quite profound in its connotative meaning, signifying the great armed struggle still before these characters whose yearning for the simple life is like the sudden surfacing of a submarine in danger, the sea of their soul in turmoil, and the cargo of their hearts spilling overboard.

The snakes are released just as Butch has, by way of his master plan, solved the mystery of the spy [who was impersonating Bob Hope]. He beats the spy like a bitch, and just as he retrieves the data tapes from the spy’s ass, the anaconda swoops down from the overhead luggage compartment and devours the spy, whose screams and splintering bones generate no sympathy from a stoic Butch. All Butch offers by way of an epitaph is spoken directly to the snake: ‘That muthafucker’s gonna give you one shit load of acidosis, dawg.’

Butch and the distraught Lula manage to fight off the snakes, but only after the hungry reptiles devour all of the other passengers and crew, including the pilot who was killed by the Alpaca’s Bane. Butch bursts into the cabin in time to see the snake plotting a suicide course right into the heart of Nazi Germany’s capital, Berlin. Butch shoots the snake, and tries desperately to regain control of the dirigible, which is plummeting earthwards at its top speed of 25 mph.

Luckily for him, Lula is also a pilot. She fixes the controls, and begins to slide into the pilot’s seat. Unfortunately, her clothes get snagged on the bells and whistles and she has no choice but to strip down to her brassiere and panties in order to fly the craft. Butch eyes up that delicious trim hungrily, but being a man of action knows he can tap that bitch later, after he’s won the day.

The Reichstag is hosting the daily burning of books by non-Aryan authors, so the smoke obscures the dirigible’s approach. When it is close enough, Butch leaps to the rooftop, declaring: ‘Who’s punk ass do I get to kick?’

In order to fully appreciate this moment, the studio has granted me permission to include the first draft of the scripted scene in parts:

A LONE MAN REPLIES: ‘American. Fight me.’

BUTCH: [Looking bemused]. ‘What the fuck?’

THE LONE MAN: ‘I must break you.’

The Lone Man is Adolph Hitler himself. But unbeknownst to Butch, he’s actually one of Hitler’s super clones with super strength.

BUTCH: ‘Fuckin’ Hitler. I’m gonna bust your one remaining nut, bitch.’

HITLER: ‘Nein, not Hitler: You will call me … the Fuhrernator!’

BUTCH: ‘I’m as serious as a heart attack when I say, let’s do this.’

They fight atop the Reichstag. It is brutal, and not at all a clean fight. The playground scrap has both of the combatants resorting to hair pulling, pinching, Indian burns, and purple nurples. Butch is about to fall from the rooftop when he ducks between the Fuhrernator’s legs, and then punches his nut from behind. This drops the Fuhrernator to his knees, swaying back and forth precariously. The burning books below him beckon like the heart of Mt. Doom, calling for its One Ring like a twisted siren singing like a seductress.

FUHRERNATOR: ‘Achtung, mein ballbee!’

BUTCH: ‘'Why you trying to fuck FDR like a bitch?’

FUHRERNATOR: ‘Nein! FDR will fall, and the Third Reich shall live for a thousand years!’

BUTCH: ‘Since I’m not in a transitional period, your ass is as dead as fried fuckin’ chicken. This is for Pearl Harbour!’

Butch kicks the Fuhrernator in the back, sending the little bitch screaming over the edge. He lands in the middle of the conflagration, and erupts in a ball of flames and wind like the Emperor did when Darth Vader threw him down the reactor shaft of the second Death Star.

Lula runs up in her panties, and holds tightly to Butch, who only stares down at the fireball that was his foe.

BUTCH: ‘Fuhrernator? More like incinerator!’

Lula leads him back to the dirigible where they take off, heading towards England. As the credits start to roll we hear:

BUTCH: ‘This thing got an auto-pilot?’

LULA: ‘OH! Oh my! Shaft.’

BUTCH: ‘You’re damn right I’m the sex machine to all them chicks!’

The music starts over the credits, and it’s Isaac Haye’s famous score for Shaft, remixed by Oingo Boingo, who have come out of retirement just for the film.

Coming Summer 2008.