Some of you have probably heard about the forthcoming Samuel L. Jackson film, Snakes on a Plane.
Where am I going with this post? Well, I was kinda bored for a few minutes earlier today, so I decided to come up with a prequel to Snakes on a Plane. I even have a bit of an outline, with a few snippets of the script. Yep. Anyway, it's called ...
Snakes on a Dirigible.
Samuel L. Jackson will star in the feature, and will play the progenitor of his character from Snakes on a Plane.
The year is 1938 and
The US State Department knows that there is a Nazi spy on board who has stolen the plans for a Super Weapon that could change the balance of power in the world. They cannot ID the agent [who is a master of disguise], so
Unbeknownst to all except the viewer [dramatic irony] is the addition of a third player in the game: a beautiful Brazilian secret service agent called Lula Xiachantos [played by Eva Longoria] who has been sent by her government to kill the Nazi spy. The motivation for this assassination is not revealed, but to help her complete the task she has brought along a cargo of several crates ostensibly labeled, ‘Gerbils. Destination:
However, it is not harmless gerbils in the crates. Oh no. The crates are actually full of the most deadly snakes in the known world: The King Cobra; the Mongolian Slipper Python; the Alpaca’s Bane Adder; the King of the Brazilian rainforest, the Anaconda; et al.
The dirigible leaves its
The snakes are released just as
Butch and the distraught Lula manage to fight off the snakes, but only after the hungry reptiles devour all of the other passengers and crew, including the pilot who was killed by the Alpaca’s Bane.
Luckily for him, Lula is also a pilot. She fixes the controls, and begins to slide into the pilot’s seat. Unfortunately, her clothes get snagged on the bells and whistles and she has no choice but to strip down to her brassiere and panties in order to fly the craft.
The Reichstag is hosting the daily burning of books by non-Aryan authors, so the smoke obscures the dirigible’s approach. When it is close enough,
In order to fully appreciate this moment, the studio has granted me permission to include the first draft of the scripted scene in parts:
A LONE MAN REPLIES: ‘American. Fight me.’
THE LONE MAN: ‘I must break you.’
The Lone Man is Adolph Hitler himself. But unbeknownst to
HITLER: ‘Nein, not Hitler: You will call me … the Fuhrernator!’
They fight atop the Reichstag. It is brutal, and not at all a clean fight. The playground scrap has both of the combatants resorting to hair pulling, pinching, Indian burns, and purple nurples.
FUHRERNATOR: ‘Achtung, mein ballbee!’
FUHRERNATOR: ‘Nein! FDR will fall, and the Third Reich shall live for a thousand years!’
Lula runs up in her panties, and holds tightly to Butch, who only stares down at the fireball that was his foe.
Lula leads him back to the dirigible where they take off, heading towards
LULA: ‘OH! Oh my! Shaft.’
The music starts over the credits, and it’s Isaac Haye’s famous score for Shaft, remixed by Oingo Boingo, who have come out of retirement just for the film.
Coming Summer 2008.